Wednesday
Jan062010
War on Professional Black Women Part II: The LIST of False Choices :Appeasement or Death - The Ovarian Bomb
Wednesday, January 6, 2010 at 7:11AM The Blogmother THE REGIME has carried out a successful strategy to conquer the minds of PROFESSIONAL BLACK WOMEN by attempting to turn the very things that provide them with FREEDOM: mobility, economic stability, and KSAs (Knowledge Skills and Abilities - shout out to the GSs) into some type of barricades between them and the MAN OF THEIR DREAMS!!! *duh duh duh duuuuuuuh* *howl at the moon*
Instead of applauding the accomplishments of PROFESSIONAL BLACK WOMEN, THE REGIME has recast what most sane people would think were GOOD THINGS as BAD. These pathways to FREEDOM are recasts as threats to PROFESSIONAL BLACK WOMEN's very survival.
THE REGIME'S singular focus is to convince enough Black women that if they do not abandon their mobility, economic stability, and KSAs, then the OVARIAN BOMB will explode! ( RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! *duh duh duh duuuuuuh*) and by every measure of evolutionary advancement, PROFESSIONAL BLACK WOMEN will cease to exist. They will carry their accomplishments and achievements to their grave.
And so THE REGIME has fashioned MARRIAGE into a spear to attempt to retain and regain the resources of PROFESSIONAL BLACK WOMEN. Bolstered by convenient statistics and angst, THE REGIME is becoming far more aggressive with its psychological warfare. Every 6 months a new gloomy outcome about the marriage rate among PROFESSIONAL BLACK WOMEN comes out. The message is always the same the marriage rate is low because PROFESSIONAL BLACK WOMEN are unwanted, undesirable, and unmarriagble BECAUSE they are PROFESSIONALS.
They trot out anecdotes of mythical Black women with wretched LISTS of characteristics they would like in a mate prior to entering into a contractually binding legal relationships. THE REGIME has reformulated having REASONABLE DEMANDS into a deleterious activity. Accompanied by a tiny barrage of newspaper articles and in some rare cases, a television segment about how PROFESSIONAL BLACK WOMEN have two choices:
- A) SETTLE, also known as APPEASEMENT or
- B) DEATH, also known as letting the evolutionally clock run out on the OVARIAN BOMB. **BOOM!** (RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! *duh duh duh duuuuuuh*)
Even if those were the only choices, and they are NOT, that's no choice at all.
Settling in some cases IS death. Because in order for you to truly settle, something has to die.
LISTS, LISTS, LISTS!
Some commenters will intentionally disregard the distinction I will draw between" dream lists" everyone drafts about something at some point in their lives and STANDARDS, those fundamental underpinnings of the very fabric that makes us who we are. These two things are not the same no matter how many times television producers and unsuspecting single Black women mix those up.
It is absolutely perfectly normal for young women to have a laundry list of characteristics, even "superficial" ones, they may want in a future mate. Its perfectly okay to doodle your first name with his last name to see how it sounds. Its perfectly NORMAL to pick out wedding colors. Peach and Salmon with Ivory accents in case you were wondering (my taste has since evolved). But in almost every conversation about Black marriage and professional Black women, the conversation comes up about Black women have lists and our need to shorten them. There is almost giddy excitement about the prospect of Black women being forced to jettison certain items off of their lists. Who celebrates when a dream dies?
Do men and boys not have goals and ambitions in their teens and 20's? Are they being skewered for having dreams or engaging in flights of fancy? No, but these ubiquitous LISTS that always pop up in these conversations about Black women and marriage are just a guise at attempting to make Black women bear responsibility for the choices of MEN. We get chided by ESSENCE every year with a hand picked group of men who supposedly possess EVERYTHING A GIRL COULD WANT and she could be married RIGHT NOW, if she would just give up her silly LIST! As if fully grown women are still running around 15 years later with the same list they doodled in high school physics class. YOU LIE!
If you made a list in your 20's SO WHAT? Isn't the point of youth to be idealistic? Should we have started out our adult lives as pessimists? Should we have doodled "I ain't gon' ever get married" or "Lawd just let him have two front teeth they both don't have to be his, an implant counts and we'll cope with the rest!"on our spiral notebooks?
What is so amazing about YOUTH is that you don't even know HOW to settle. You want it all and nothing has a cost. That's a totally awesome way to view the world... when you are young. Its the point of youth. Yet why do people like Steve Harvey appear to take such joy from the idea that Black women might have shorter "lists" as they get older?
There are lots of things I thought I HAD to have when I was 20 that had nothing to do with relationships. As I've gotten older, I realize I just don't need some things to be happy. I wanted a certain house. A certain car with a specific interior. I wanted to go vacation in particular places and I was going to keep hanging out with my friends just like we did in undergrad FOREVER and EVER! None of these things in my mind would take any work, they would come naturally on schedule, just like the school calendar. I was young, I was supposed to think that.
I haven't run into these elusive Black women who have men walk up with 80% of the things a Black woman is looking for and have her turn the man down. At least not a Black woman over 30. My professional Black women friends who desire to be married don't have unreasonable demands. Their expectations make complete and total sense and they are ENTITLED to have those expectations.
There is a difference between evolving into a life which looks the way you want and morphing yourself under gunpoint into the life other people think you deserve. Within the context of Black women and marriage, the discussion of lists always looks like a hostage negotiation.
The truth is that Black women don't need to shorten or eliminate their lists, more men need to start drafting lists of their own related to relationships or life in general!
For all this chatter about picky Black women have we ever stopped to consider what would happen if Black women stopped being so "Picky"? Would more end up married? And if they did end up married, what would those marriages look like? What would our community look like? What if everybody just settled for the best we can get? OR what if one gender went out and killed themselves to create some type of SECURITY for themselves and the other was allowed to chill out and wait until the OVARIAN BOMB was ticking loud enough (RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! *BOOM!).
I've toyed with settling. I've tap danced with appeasement. Strike that. I've tangoed, salsa-ed and done the cupid shuffle, the wall slide and dropped it like its hot with appeasement. Appeasement is sexy and seductive and knows exactly which buttons to push. However, the relief appeasement offers is just temporary. In the end, if the choice is appeasement or the ovarian bomb, I choose the ovarian bomb. That's a conscious decision. Either way you die. Why not die as happy as possible?
On Friday, we conclude our series with a discussion of Black Marital Mogadishu
OFFICIAL COMMENT TROLL WELCOME
I welcome the trolls that will find this post irresistible. Despite knowing your comments will never see the light of day, you will post them anyway in some deluded attempt to have your voice heard. If a comment gets sent to the spam filter automatically, did it ever exist? NOPE, but that won't stop you from leaving some anti-Black woman screed anyway. So, my trigger finger is ready, the BLACK LIST has been expanded to include a space for each and every one of you. Welcome trolls! I go by gem2001 and I have been sent here to thrust you back into the abyss and love every minute of it.
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Reader Comments (88)
Excellent Post!
How is it that the media that touts such horrible stereotypes of black women is suddenly concerned with the marital prospects of professional black women?
So, it's now a stigma to be a professional black woman but to be a video girl, mammy type or single mother is normal.
Message to up and coming girls: Don't aspire to be much
Message to others seeking to align themselves and resources with black women: Don't Bother, they're social pariahs.
The truth is that western media has always targeted a certain section of Black society at a time.In the 80's it was Black gangs, in the 90's single mothers and now the media are clearly taking the position that Black professional women are too high profile, too strong and have too much power.It really is another way to try and control and damage us.In the age of Obam it seems to have finally come to the attention of the media that some Black women have risen very high and that has intimidated many white people.The truth is I have never heard such patronising drivel that we are unhappy that we need to lower our standards.White women, Chinese women, Latino women complain about not finding good men as husband material this is not just a Black issue.Why is the call from the media that we should lower our standards and not that men must raise their standards and goals.
"For all this chatter about picky Black women have we ever stopped to consider what would happen if Black women stopped being so “Picky”? Would more end up married? And if they did end up married, what would those marriages look like? What would our community look like?"
Churrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrcccccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please tell the truth and shame the devil. That is all.
Well if we look at the baby daddy front, it clearly show BW aren't picky enough
For all this chatter about picky Black women have we ever stopped to consider what would happen if Black women stopped being so “Picky”? Would more end up married? And if they did end up married, what would those marriages look like? What would our community look like?
I'd say the dysfunction would increase about a thousand fold, with an increase in suicides for good measure. But then, I'm not a professional BW, nor do I know any.
^oh, but I do aspire to be a PBW, and continue to cheer them on.
Trish and Sally, you've brought up some good points wrt the media I didn't think that hard about. If BM are called out on their BS, the Reverends' claws and new growth come out; now, as was mentioned in the previous post, BW are fair game. Can't help but wonder though: if we're allegedly nothing (or not enough, as it were), aren't our relationship aspirations...a moot point? Eh, screw 'em, I'm keeping my (freshly drafted) list; like yourself, Gina, I'd rather die happy.
I really like the way you've drafted your argument and counterpoint to the insanity directed at black women. I also like the class/social standing distinction being specifically mentioned. I of course have concluded the average AA man is UNFIT and AA women should look elsewhere but so many are still holding out for one. So I guess it's the ovarian bomb for them as well if they haven't already had any children. I think true companionship is worth its weight in gold and I hope we all make whatever efforts we need to have our LISTS fulfilled and NEEDS met. So I say TAKE A HIKE to Hill Harper, Steve Harvey, Chris Rock and all those other FOOLS who dare to TELL black women to SETTLE.
I think I hate the implication that black who don't look like Beyonce shouldn't have standards. I actually heard someone say that Beyonce isn't the average black chick, so sistahs shouldn't prance around screaming put a ring on it. (Of course,it was someone with a black baby mama.)
I don't think you can combat that type of ignorance with intellectual arguments.
And speaking of Beyonce; does anyone else think it's strange that the media never questions her marriage to a drug dealer? She's from a middle to upper middle-class family and yet her marriage to a drug dealer who makes his money calling women bit#ches is somehow normal?
I suppose the message in that is clear.
@monica I'm not making an argument to the lost souls. I am making the argument and giving a word of encouragement to those who have not already been conquered. Read the first post. This ABC piece was targeted at people LIKE ME. This series is about women who are LIKE ME. The ones who are lost are lost, but the ones who are not stand to one day control the resources of the Black community if they aren't conquered first.
@faith of course you have to mention class. There is a specific class of Black women being targeted with a particular tactic, You can't get around that.
Whew! This has been quite a conversation! :)
Like someone said before, women of different races have similiar concerns about men, children, relationships, careers, etc. So I think what we are talking about here is the many manifestations of sexism/patriarchy and how biology (the ovarian bomb) gets thrown at us from time to time.
I have worked in coalitions with many different groups of people on various issues of social justice, i.e, the war against Iraq and Afghanistan, police terrorism, political prisoners, domestic violence/violence against women, etc. I have really enjoyed working in these coalitions, but I've never heard of or worked with one regarding personal romantic relationships. And yes, some of my non-African women friends are with brothers; we don't discuss interracial dating, perhaps because it might be a difficult discussion? Also, like someone already said, we never hear the media going on and on about professional Latino women, or Asian women, etc., not getting love and respect from their brothers, so why are we such fair game? Now I have heard some Latino men, some Asian men say some really whack, crazy stuff about their women, but it was not on tv or in a movie, I heard them say such stuff in a conversation with a small group of people. Ahah! Perhaps that's the difference? :(
oops! my bad, I used to subscribe to Latina magazine; yep, the professional Latino sisters there in the advice column do indeed complain about their brothers, "I worked hard, went to college, got a great job, helped my younger sisters and brothers, I have/had goals and ambition, why can't he do the same? Why does he still hang out with his homies? Why won't he try to do better? Why does he call me and my friends stuck up?" :( :(
The primary reason I hate these types of programs is that it furthers the thought that professional BW do not want to be with men of other backgrounds and if we do end up with a man with another racial/ethnic background it is a sencond choice. This hampers out ability to date other men. Men don't like to be shot down so why approach a woman when the WHOLE world knows BW only want BM, that BW feel that BM are the most masculine etc. I have never preferred BM and I don't want people assumming that about me b/c I am a BW. Many BW foster this belief that BW only want BM and it is to our detriment. Most professional BW are surrounded by professional WM and there are plenty of opportunities there.
I think all this nonsense about the "lonely single black woman" is just that nonsense. I was watching the Investigation channel and there was a man who'd scammed about 50 women out of their life savings. These were all white women but the point is this: The media makes it look like being single is terrible and getting married is some type of nirvana. That is how so many women get mixed up with lousy men, get scammed or worse. There is nothing wrong with being married or being in a relationship, it's just not the heaven it's sold as.
Stories and articles like this bolster the perception of lack, creating a false desperation which often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. And they always prompt me to reflect on my own experience and observations. I live in a city where there is this perception that there is a lack of eligible and marriage-inclined men. However, most of my thirty-something, heterosexual black female friends are married, most of them to men of other races. And yes, they've earned advanced academic credentials. I don't think there's anything especially enlightened about them. And, frankly, I don't know any women as desperate as these women are edited to appear. So, to the women who haven't bought into the hype, don’t start now.
Melanie, I never looked at it that way before. But that makes sense. If BW loudly whine to anyone who will listen about they are sitting around desperately waiting for their "black king", they are doing severe damage to BW collectively. Not only are they making themselves fair game for DBRs to take advantage of their loneliness, but they are also presenting an image of black women being desperate and undesirable to ALL men. If this wasn't bad enough, it implies that WM are a "second choice" and that BW who date/marry WM are "rejects" who couldn't land an ideal BM. Is it any surprise then that WM are hesitant to approach BW? What man wants to feel like he is second best? What man wants a woman who makes it clear that the only reason she is with him because no BM want her? These "where da black men at?" BW have no idea how difficult they make it for themselves and everyone else when they publicly complain about not finding BM and being "forced" to consider WM.
I recall the part on the ABC special where the BW mentioned having a conversation with a WM but then ended the conversation w/o asking for her number. Of course in her mind it "proves" that WM are not interested in BW, but I suspect her attitude may have played a role. I wonder if she was giving off a desperate "nuthin but a BM" vibe that turned him off. I can imagine her being annoyed that she was "stuck talking to this white boy", while constantly scanning the joint for any and all eligible BM that walked in the room.
"...and if we do end up with a man with another racial/ethnic background it is a sencond choice. This hampers out ability to date other men."
Of course it does. That's why they do it.
I just want to ask that black women stop broadcasting to the world that they can't move an inch without a black man by their side.
You are HURTING the chances of thousands of black women who do not feel the same way as you! Some of us do not hold the same beliefs and believe it or not black men are not the preference of every black woman.
You do not hear white women boasting about how they'd never be with anyone but a white man eventhough most white women date/marry white men. Same with Asian women and Latino women. Most women do not limit their options PUBLICLY. That is kind of suicidal. Men won't approach you if they know they will be flat out rejected.
Please and thank you.
This is an interesting article I stumbled across from a self defined Dating Guru. Admittedly some of her listed reason's seem more than a bit canned but, who am I to judge, I ain't no dating Guru ;-)
Real Reasons Why 70% of Black Women Are Single
By Dating Guru JJ Smith
Link:
http://blackstarnews.com/news/125/ARTICLE/6191/2010-01-01.html
The Real Reasons So Many Black Women are Single:
Some of the reasons could apply to women that are not Black, but the focus of this article is on Black women because that’s all we keep hearing about in the media these days.
There are many factors that have lead to why so many Black women are single, but I believe the most significant factors are listed below:
1. The Black Man Shortage (as I read on Essence.com):
2. Too Many Black Women Have Bought Into the Stereotypes On Who They Are:
3. Many Black Women Have Made a Conscious Decision To Be Single:
4. Black Men Don’t See Many of the Qualities That They So Much Admire in Their Mothers and Grandmothers.
5. Black Women Have Spent Their Best Years Pursuing Their Education and Career Goals not Realizing that Their Strongest Assets (e.g., Looks, Fertility) Decrease With Age.
6. Black Men Struggle More Than Any Other Group of People in Society and in the Workplace:
7. Black Women Haven’t Adjusted to the New Hypercompetitive Dating Environment That Exists Today:
I have heard years ago that there was a major media shift via magazines to get women of color on the career track and white woman to be housewives and have more children due to whites possibly becoming the so called minority in America. Maybe our gains have become to great and the media is now pushing the housewife back at us again. Don't know if its true but I wouldn't be surprised.
@ the IR enthusiasts
Black women who profess their desire for black men publicly aren't hurting your chances at IR.
To say so is ridiculous. Everyone doesn't want to marry out. And if you're man complaining then you're complaining about the men you're looking to date.
It's not the responsibility of black women who want to date black to make it easier for you date out. We don't all speak for each other.
As far as white women not complaining about white dudes - you must not have a lot of white female friends 'cause there are many single white women who complain loudly about white men and their desire for Asian women.
@Gem Once again this is not a "war on professional black women." The Patriarchy has been pushing back on professional woman since the end of the women's movement.
Black women aren't particularly special in this phenomenon.
They can demonize professional women all they want but at the end of the day we all got bills. The government is broke and will not always have the money to subsidize housing or whatever. We all gotta fight from being a member of the permanent underclass
"As far as white women not complaining about white dudes – you must not have a lot of white female friends ’cause there are many single white women who complain loudly about white men and their desire for Asian women."
That's just silly. That's not happening. Not at all. And if you're talking about women who are mocking dudes into hentai and whatnot that have asian fetishes (and usually for what they see as an ubridaled patriarchal culture), well, they're right to mock them.
Actually Rich that is happening. I know WW who complain that the WM they'd ideally like to date are always bringing "Asian women around." I had one actually say that.
Still, I wouldn't go so far as to say there isn't a war on BW and that the dating predicaments WW face are equal to those BW face.
I a in awe that ppl have hijacked this blog to talk about the plight of non-black women. This blog exists to discuss BLACK WOMEN. That's not to say other ppl don't have same or similar issues. I've never said that ever. I just narrow my focus.
To those who don't see it as a war, well, there always those who don't figure it out until after the mushroom cloud. Not my problem.
Hmmm, I should think that black women who prefer black men would be most concerned about the image problem this type of pathetic display causes. After all, there's at least a remote possibility that men of other groups wouldn't follow these stories. It's far more likely that black men would hear about it than men of other groups. And I think we all know that folk tend not to want things that nobody else wants. This is especially true of men. So, if anyone should be opposed to this sad array it should be those with black male preferences.
I watched the piece; which was lacking on so many levels. One point I picked up is that there is only ONE choice for marriage minded PBW, and that is BM. That is so untrue. It seems like a response to season 15 "amazing race" couple who finished in the top three - the articulate PBW who was married to a white guy who absolutely adored her. I think don't think its outside the realm of possibility the "regime" had a back room meeting and said - gotta counter that image - beautiful intelligent brown skinned woman MARRIED to a white guy. If all the PBW jump ship - what we gonna do?
No comment on whether or not BW know they are allowed to marry other men besides BM.
I think they realize that fact ;-)
But, just FYI that BW married to the WM on "amazing race" was miss America of 2004!!!
Link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ericka_Dunlap
Ms. G: the rest of this is really mean, (my version of mean) and I understand if it is deleted:
The regime said, If all the PBW jump ship, damn, we'll have to stop licking our lips, holding our balls, and act like men. PBW prop up the community, and without them, we are lost. Our slaves are revolting..................
The PBW special was on a mainstream news station so no one in particular needs to 'follow' these types of stories to hear about the 'awful' plight of PBW. The information comes through loud and clear. When I was younger I thought white men didn't find BW attractive...why...b/c that's what I was constantly told. I only dated white men so I just figured that I was around strange white men that found me attractive and wanted to be in a relationship. I was open to it so I guess they took the chance to ask me out. More PBW continually saying that their only chance for marriage is with BM implies that non black men should not apply. You don't have to specifically state that. When PBW state that they are only interested in BM is DOES hurt all BW chances to date other non black men b/c most non black men do not know alot of BW and have many interactions with black people in general. Most of what they know is from TVetc. Unfortunate but true. So our public image is what they go on. This happens the other way around as well. Most BW that are brought up in primarily black environment have few chances to interact with non black men so these women are easily influenced as to what white men like and BW are constantly told that non black men can't appreciate a BW, can't truly love you and won't take you home to momma. I think that one of the PBW in the interview even stated that. BM benefit from this and they try to put their beauty standards as the view of all men...the more European look is better, straight hair, thin nose etc. Some WM like that of course, but there are plenty of men who appreciate a typical AA look. I am proof of that myself.
@Tusk
what's your point?
"When PBW state that they are only interested in BM is DOES hurt all BW chances to date other non black men b/c most non black men do not know alot of BW and have many interactions with black people in general. Most of what they know is from TVetc. Unfortunate but true."
- Sounds like the end goals of the "regime" may be to try and break the PBW's flow and keep them out of the arms of all of these wonderful WM.
"Most BW that are brought up in primarily black environment have few chances to interact with non black men so these women are easily influenced as to what white men like"
- Wow, sounds like the "regime" was behind the "Jim Crow" laws as well. Again all apart of there scheme to keep them out of the arms of all of these wonderful WM.
Or maybe some of it is just that for the most part many BW prefer the companionship of that of a BM. Not saying that BW don't have many issues with some of the destructive behavior some BM exhibit. But, that a for a lot of BW, they have still not written off the entire population of BM.
Almost every BW that I have known under 40 years of age has dated IR at least once. Even of they attended HBCU's, black churches, and the like.
I don't think in the year 2010 that it is a secrete that WM find BW attractive, in all shades and features.
I just think that for the most part not all but, most part BW have a preference of BM. I actually believe that for the most part most BM have a preference for BW.
Gem,
Thanks again for a well written article that speaks FOR me. It's encouraging to know that there are other BPW who actually see what I see.
@Melanie, Vinindy, go do your things lady. If non Black men are for you, then enjoy. If having children who will never identify as black men or women is your desire, then ladies God's speed. There just happens to be black folk who really value who they are, where they come from, their culture and their race. They just don't see the world the way you do. If those women suffer the consequences for that, then so be it. They, not you, will have to live with it. Ladies have a wonderful night and stop worrying about women/people who desire something different from you. It's ok. It's what makes the world go round.
Tusk's point is to keep we wimmenz in our place and make sure there isn't a mass exodus. Which is totally not the point of the articles. The point is that this marriage issue is being used to make us doubt ourselves and values ourselves less in addition to lower our perceived value in the eyes of others. Tusk isn't all that concerned about this, but only in making sure no Black women date white men. But luckily, Blaack women run this platform so we will ALWAYS GET THE LAST WORD, but its a valiant effort on his part.
#34 Ok, fair enough maybe that was a bit of an ego driven and self serving commentary on my part.
"The point is that this marriage issue is being used to make us doubt ourselves and values ourselves less in addition to lower our perceived value in the eyes of others."
- I do agree with the above statement, and after reading and hearing comments related to this topic from other sources. It at times almost seems as if, it should be promoted that BW should not further there lives via education and career.
What this post and the last post have told me is that it's basically time for black women to make some decisions. They will keep pushing shows and segments like the one on ABC Primetime. They'll keep saying that PBW have no options, that they have to settle/adopt out of the foster care system/become baby mommas/die childless. They'll keep sending attacks to demoralize and kill off our spirits. The question is, are you strong enough to withstand the blitz? Are you going to choose to live life your way or fall back into the place that they have already marked for you (mule)?
Every day, I constantly am reinforced to keep it moving from the BC and just do me. I want to get married but I REFUSE to marry some schmuck who thinks he's a G or some one who is not on my level mentally (you can have a white-collar job and still be stuck in the hood). I'm not signing my personal mental health death sentence just to get a pat on a head, a lollipop and chains for doing what they want me to.
@km the irony is that you are just as entitled to the resources of the Black community as The Regime. Yes you can keep it moving and you should do that if that's what you ned to do to stay healthy and whole and lean into your destiny. I, on the other hand favor a coup. I think Black folks with common sense are in the majority. we just don't control the infrastructure of the Black community.
@Tusk91
I do care that there are BW who are putting their happiness in the hands of those who do not have their best interest at heart. My children won't identify as only black b/c they are not only black...I am. That is my identity, not theirs. But I place the fact that I will raise kind, good and caring children over having only black children. Their are plenty of black children that are neglected and abandoned...what did being able to identify as only black do for them. If these PBW wish to live a life w/o a life partner when there are plenty of wonderful men out there willing to love them and provide for them and their children then at least have the decency to go about your own lack of fulfillment quietly. Don't drag the rest of us down with you. If these women who can't find a BM to marry wish to keep hope alive then go for it. I am just tired of hearing about it and having that perspective broadcast as though it is the only perspective out there. I see more and more BW in IR so I am hopeful that my sisters out there will get the life they want and deserve....
@Melanie
Really?
No one is stopping you from doing you. Black women are free to complain as long and as loudly as they lack about whatever issues are bothering them.
Once again I say it is not black woman's responsibility to make sure your love life is made easier.
All black men aren't evil or the devil or not looking to be family men. Some people don't want to have non-black kids. Some don't want or find white men attractive that DOES NOT mean they are some delude lost souls.
Be happy with your life - but stop trying to hush those who don't feel the same. You don't want to hear it - stop listening. Black women are free to love whomever.
We all don't want (or are attracted to) the same thing.
I think its funny how so many on this blog are touting WM as if they are Gods-gift to "lonely" PBW, and deciding to reject BM based on many of the problems, violence,and some hatred BM have rained down on BW and the "BC" in general.To push the alternative of WM as the save-all comparison to BM, when we all know WM have a whole history of horrible violence, degrading things and hatred towards black women and black people in general makes no sense. The comparison makes no sense when considering your options for dating, is all I'm saying.
I think black women should date who they want, when they want. But don't use false premises to make your argument. If we're gonna be mad at BM for their problems and rejection, we sure as hell can't use WM as the standard-bearers for good treatment, acceptance, and solutions - I mean come on! That's just asking for a bad IR experience and a bad relationship overall, as your expectations are based on untruths. It makes no sense to be irate about BM comedians agreeing to racists statements about BW, and using that as proof of BMs hatred and as a premise to not date them, but then talk about Don Imus' racists statement that they're agreeing to, and not use those statements as similar proof of WM hatred towards BW or not use it as a premise to not date WM. Truly it makes no sense.
The history tells us differently, so date the individual, not the history and that goes for whatever your racial preference for men is.
Overall, I think its sad that this seems to be what the conversation in this blog has degraded to - but its not really about leaving one jacked up group of men to go to another even more jacked group of men. The point is just what Gem and some others have said - these MSM programs are all about making the world hate us,look at us as if there is something wrong with us, to break us down mentally and spiritually (and even physically if people get depressed and syart overeating to compensate, etc).
It's not about whether WM or BM are our saviors..it just shows that the group in America that is still the most hated, most threatening, and thus always targeted are black people, with its latest incarnation in the form of black women.
I think Sally, post # 2, is really the only one who truly gets it - She said it best when she said that "The truth is that western media has always targeted a certain section of Black society at a time.In the 80’s it was Black gangs, in the 90’s single mothers and now the media are clearly taking the position that Black professional women are too high profile, too strong and have too much power.It really is another way to try and control and damage us."
So true, thats all it is! Whether you never marry, marry BM, marry WM, marry HM, AM or any other M you can think of, that isn't the point and doesn't really matter.
It's all about destroying an image, trying to ruin chances of further success, ensuring that a powerbase doesn't come into existence or get too strong, and ensuring that younger generations of black females coming behind us stop trying, lose their self-esteems and develop even more self-hate. And with the U.S. becoming more multiracial everyday, to keep us focusing on how we're supposed to be less than every other group of women in the world, and also always in conflict with these other women, harboring jealousy and resentment towards them and hating ourselves even more.
The truth is that there is a lot of jealousy and hatred (cloaked in a thinly disguised veil of concern) towards BW of all types among BM but mostly to this day in the WC (which makes up the majority of the powerful and influential in the MSM) who will use any tactic to kill our image and destroy any positive mindsets. I don't think "the regime" as people are calling it here is Tyler Perry, reverends, the NAACP or any of the rest - I think they are just small players being used to furher white, racists interets and agendas to stop BW from loving themselves or gaining any power.
@JJ, on this one, I definitely think you're wrong to not think thisis definitely targeted purposefully at PBW and other BW. If it was only that all professional women were being targeted, we would see shows that were specifically about PAW, PWW, PHW, etc and their woes - or we would see media where all races of PW were included and talk about common problems/concerns. But of course, you don't and won't. Yes, it's true that many women of other races talk about similar issues in earshot of us and with us, but you never see where this is broadcast publicly to the world from a racial standpoint via highly-influential media sources, or see it cast as a problem of that race in the way that it is done with BW. Don't be purposefully obtuse.
I actually said I would never bother to post on this blog again, but some of the responses bothered me enuf to just have to. So @Gem, send it to the spam folder, trash it, delete it or whatever you feel you need to do, but I still wanted to get this off my chest.
I see all sorts of comments about "who" is behind the War on PBW (BM,WM), yet, watching the video, I see a white woman (Cynthia McFadden) visually taking pleasure as she reports how "we can't find a man."
I will bet that the producers behind this piece (and others like it) are WW producers and executives. It makes them feel better about their own relationship circumstances.
How about we STOP giving these media outlets fodder for their obsession on PBW?
No, we'll keep on being interviewed and keep writing books like "B**ch Is The New Black."
To those who have figured out that this isn't about MARRIAGE, KUDOS! Marriage is just the noose, Jim Crow law, sharecropping system. It only the current tool that is being used for oppression. Whether you are married or not, this latest tool is being aimed to diminish and destroy you. Even if you successfully complete Man Catchin' 101, you and your daughters still have to deal with the system.
Whether you are single or married, I want you to be HAPPY! And what is happening now is that there are a bunch of very blessed Black women who have a great deal who are wasting their lives being unhappy behind some BS.
Actually Melanie, I'm sure that when they were interviewing women for this story there were plenty that told them that "nothing but a black man" was the last thing on their mind. Unfortunately, black women contentedly going about their way leading happy successful lives is not the story they're going for. We saw that with all this foolywang about black women freaking out over the fact that none of Tiger's hos were black women. Never mind that the overwhelming majority of black women were indifferent, or at best, amused by Tiger's transgressions. They had to spin it in a way that made black women look, well crazier than hell.
I agree that the current hostage negotiation situation surrounding BW and marriage (BW must shorten or eliminate their "what they want in a partner" list) is the current tool being used to break and destroy AA women.
I would simply point out that all of the examples of tools of oppression that were listed above come from external oppression (noose, Jim Crow law, sharecropping system). Those examples only apply regarding external actors.
I want BW to never forget that we have some internal oppressors who celebrate in killing BW's dreams and spirits. Namely, the legions of Black regime members (of both genders). Part of this destruction is coming from the outside. But much of this would STILL be happening based on some internal problems that have nothing to do with outside racism.
I would compare these Black regime members' internal, oppressive behavior to those Black folks (men and women) in other places who defend female genital mutilation. The oppressive practice of female genital mutilation predates Western colonialism. This is an example of a deeply misogynistic problem that came from within those societies.
AAs also have deep BW-hating practices that come from within, and have very little to do with White racism.
Black defenders of the status quo Black female spirit mutilation are insisting that BW having their spirits maimed is just, fitting, appropriate, and in some cases "holy." Some of them also claim that any BW who doesn't want to have her spirit mutilated must believe that outsiders (in this case, WM) and outside culture are some sort of "saviors."
Nobody talked about "saviors" except those folks who essentially want to maintain the status quo of Black female spirit mutilation.
What people have observed is that the wider culture in this country---which is Whites---does NOT demand or support the mutilation of WW's spirits. In fact, the men of that wider culture (WM) chastise other men for trying to mutilate WW's spirits (see examples of David Letterman, Kanye West).
Those of us who are advocating an exodus of BW away from people, places, and things that require/support Black female spirit mutilation have noticed that individual men from the wider society generally don't demand that their wives have their spirits mutilated.
We have also observed that these WM from the wider culture extend the same situation (of NOT requiring their wives to have their spirits mutilated) to the many Asian women who have married functional men from that group. This is not the same thing as calling these men "saviors." It's noticing that other people are enjoying the benefits of living in a healthier cultural setting, including the nonwhite women who have married into that other environment.
The choices are clear. Individual BW can:
1-Continue to choose to hang around people, places and things that feel that Black female spirit mutilation is a-okay, or doesn't exist, or is the same as how other women are living in the wider world. And demand that each individual AA woman accept the practice of Black female spirit mutilation, and refrain from speaking out against it or the people who engage in it.
2-Continue to hang around the above-described people in hopes of changing their minds about Black female spirit mutilation. Or in hopes of overthrowing them. [God bless, and good luck with all of that.]
3-Leave and seek out people and environments that don't demand that the particular individual AA woman have her spirit mutilated.
Peace, blessings and solidarity.
Excuse me, but I do not care that much about men or what they want to discuss them 24/7, try to figure how to make/keep them happy, or whatever. Heck, my goal is to make sure that wherever I am I AM FEELING GREAT - I am happy about the life that I am living. When I meet the right guy it will be while I am going towards/living the life that I want too. This is what Ark building is about, it is about BW having the courage to step out of these pre-destined roles and dare to do what makes you happy. It is important to look beyond the boundaries of the BC because there is a push for you to be the BW that was pre-determined you will hold.
The point of this media blitz about BW are not gonna ever be happy without a man because they are doomed & got an education series that come out on a regular basis is to tell BW that reaching beyond the goal of marriage and a good BM will make your life a living helz. You will NOT be happy so lower your standards, accept your fate and stay in your place. That is the point. Simple. It is a lie. Simple.
The reason interracial dating, which to ME means dating men of all races - not just WM - is such a hot button in the BC is because BW have not typically dated out of the BC. Right NOW there is a glut of non-married BW - professional and otherwise - who have it together and are on their grind which raises the question why is she not married? A legit question that means going beyond what she is doing to what are the men in their community doing - but the media too has assigned roles to BW as the fixers, the mammies etc. which does not surprise me that they too believe bw should fix this too.
Some BM are acting like BW are items at the dang Dollar Store - if i she is gone or gets up and goes a close version of "her" will be available for the same $1 tomorrow- or maybe there will be one available for $.50! It is a devaluing strategy. BW who plan on marrying/ want to marry a BM ONLY has to understand that BW being desirable and married to a variety of men takes them out of the they (BW) are a dime a dozen mentality which DOES help them out somewhat in their quest. You do not have to agree w/ interracial dating to understand that getting rid of the obvious glut will make some men tighten up their own game and that benefits everyone out there in the available dating pool.
@Lena
There were the "white women were going to die alone and lonely with 30 cats" stories in the MSM years ago.
Time did a big piece on how white women over 35 and not married had a better chance of being hit by a car than landing a husband - or some such nonsense.
And they weren't the only MSM outlet touting that story. It was a VERY common theme from throughout the 80's and 90's.
There's the constant characterization of high powered white women as ball beaking b*tches in television and film.
I just think prior to fairly recently there weren't enough high profile white women to make this an issue for us. But I don't see it as any more than an extension of The Patriarchy's general dislike of educated/powerful women
@ Lena, sister please! No one is suggesting White men or any non-African man is the end all, be all; some of us are merely suggesting that we should examine all options for how to live our lives, have the courage to seek out options, have the courage to know you have the right to make such choices. Such some of our brothers examine their options for dating/marriage with non-African women, why is it such a problem for us to do so?
In your long post you fail to acknowledge that there is a vicious, sometime subtle, sometimes not subtle sexism/patriarchy among our people, it is institutionalized and thus that media piece about professional sisters struck a nerve AGAIN. Yes, I 've seen a few such pieces about other races of women, but when it comes to us, it's in over dam kill. Why is that? After all our people have gone through for us to get a good education, good jobs, etc., now we the women get hit with this time and again? When was the last time anyone saw such a piece about professional brothers on tv whining about being college educated, good job, attractive and not having a mate? Even gay brothers don't do that! We must realize that sadly, some of our folks have agency, and thus make conscious decisions to harm sisters or our community as a whole because it advances their selfish, narrow interests.
Lastly, I'm as Pan-Africanist as they come, but in the last few years, my friends and I have come to see, to realize even some of our "Afro-centric" brothers don't want us; we are not all college educated, but we tend to work steadily, be active in the community, in our places of worship, don't dress like Afro-centric hoochies, etc., yet we get from the "Afro-centric" brothers. "sister, why you so serious?" "Why you always down at City Hall lobbying for trash pick up, better schools, police accountability, etc.,?" Sometimes it's not that blunt, but they make their point. I have come to realize that biology does not hold you hostage to any particular way of thinking or doing things, so I now know that for all the qualities I want in a man, those qualities may very well be in a non-African man. Do you really think some of our White sisters and brothers are not truly troubled by the racism some of them have forced upon the world? Believe it or not, some of them really do get it, too bad you don't. :)
Sorry - I just think prior to fairly recently there weren’t enough high profile BLACK women to make this an issue for us. But I don’t see it as any more than an extension of The Patriarchy’s general dislike of educated/powerful women
There has been some hints in the black female empowerment blogging world that professional black women should perhaps look to Asian American women for "inspiration" on how to date/marry "out" in greater numbers.
In the January 26, 2009 issue of The New Yorker magazine, theater critic Hilton Als wrote a review of a play written by an Asian American woman playwright/director named Jean Lee. In the review, Als quotes a Korean American female character in one of Ms. Lee's plays as follows:
"... I am so mad about all of the racist things against me in this country, which is America. Like the fact that the reason why so many white men date Asian women is that they can get better looking Asian women than they can get white women because we ... have lower self esteem. It's like going with an inferior brand so that you can get more luxury features".
The aforementioned quote struck me because Asian Americans are not generally known for exposing their psyches/dysfunctions IN PUBLIC for all the world to see. Admittedly this is but one "artistic" Asian American woman's (and artistic types tend to be more "sensitive" than regular folk) vision, however, with that one quote Ms. Lee bares witness that everything is not all roses for Asian American women on the dating/marriage front.
I wanted to share this to make several points: 1) some fabulous Asian American women are apparently settling for some NOT SO fabulous white guys just to be able to say "I've arrived, I've got a WHITE husband" and 2) although Asian American women are "rejecting" Asian American men for white men in large numbers (which they have the right to do), Asian American women (and men) generally DO NOT expose their dysfunctional aspects and/or trash the opposite sex of their "race/ethnic group" IN PUBLIC. They just QUIETLY go about the business of getting what they. Perhaps American blacks, who are dissatisfied with the opposite sex of their "race", should do as the Asian Americans do.
There is not a glut of unmarried black women.
Something like 42 - 45% of all women are unmarried and women with a Masters degree or better tend to be unmarried at higher rates than those with bachelor's degrees or lower.
And until VERY recently the only media talking about this issue was black media - the MSM has just realized the ratings bonanza that's available with this topic so now their pushing it.