What About Our Daughters

Sometimes you gotta have agency and go out and get what you want. If what you want is to be married then that's what you have to do. I knew the statistics regarding black women and marriage so I worked over time to make sure that I wouldn't be one of the. I've gone on 3 dates in one day. I've been on eharmony (the one that worked for me) and chemistry/match at the same time. After 3 years of actively searching I found the man that I married. I truly believe that it would have happened much later for me if I hadn't gotten myself out there. I don't think that waiting for serendipity is a great plan if getting married in time to not need reproductive assistance is your goal.

Well that isanother perspective. Of course thepost is written from th pespective of a childfree person without qualms about adoption.

But I can see your point... then again, you didn't launch a multimedia empire to conduct your search.

I would LOVE to hear about your online dating experience ;)

sorry for the typos, I'm working off the smartphone toay ;)

I am behind Neenah 100%. I love her creativity and although it is a different situation, Neenah is just like Pumashock (Natalie White http://expatjane.blogspot.com/2009/04/natalie-white-aka-pumashock-on-star.html) who carefully orchestrated her plan and put it into action. I believe she will find her mate and hope that it all works out for her. Neenah stands out which is what you have to do to be noticed from among the average. Her bold approach definitely is not for everybody and many women simply could/would not do this, but as Zoopath said, she got herself out there and yielded positive results. I say go for it!

PS: There is nothing wrong with wanting to stay single. I do realize that some people are happy and perfectly fine single. But most of the single women I know want to be married. I say get out there and find your quality mate wherever he may be. Get out of your comfort zone and take a chance.

Though there are external reasons why many black women aren't married; the old saying of "whereever you go, there you are," still rings true. If a woman REALLY wants to get married, it's better to face reality and be proactive, rather than just sit back and magically wait for it to happen.

Online dating experience... the very short version is that it's like shopping at TJMaxx. There's good stuff there but you're gonna have to search the racks.
I started the whole online thing when I had just started residency and moved to Boston (where they prefer to keep all of us in Dorchester and Roxbury if they can). I first tried match. On match the guys were pretty good-looking affluent but are more into hook-ups. They weren't very marriage minded on the whole but I met a few that were. One of the worse things about match is that men would have every race selected for a possible mate except black and then have the nerve to contact me when my profile explicitly stated that I'm black. I do have lighter skin, light hair, keener feature priviledge so I've heard the whole "I usually don't find black women attractive, I like delicate features blah blah blah stuff" way too many times. On eharmony the guys weren't as hot and generally not as affluent but they were more serious about marriage and nicer. If you're open to interracial dating then you'll get more dates, especially when you're not in a city with a large black professional population like Boston. They're there alright, but there's not enough of them. Most of the men I dated were non-black people of color. The closest I got to white in a serious relationship was greek. I had 4 bf's before I met my husband, they were south asian, black puerto rican, greek and lebanese and all doctors. All except the 2nd one ended because of parental objection to my race, which really sucks. I met my husband on eHarmony, he's east asian (in my experience eHarmony proportionally has a lot of east and south asian men) and not a doctor. I wish I had tried to date ourside of my profession sooner! We're very compatible and our relationship is easy with no drama.
In the end it was a lot of hard thankless work but if you relentlessly attack a problem, eventually you'll suceed. I did have a few caveat's though:
1. Keep dating other men until the guy/s you'd like to have a relationship with are willing to be exclusive. I always kept at least one guy around to distract me so that I didn't become clingy with another guy I really liked.
2. Rebounding wastes valuable time. I didn't give myself more than a week to mope. Meeting new people helped me to moveon.org.
3. The guy has a year to make up his mind about me. I'd end it sooner if I noticed clear signals that marriage was not where the relationship was headed (often the parents provided very clear signals :P)
4. There has to be a difference in... services *ahem*.... that are available in non-exclusive settings and exclusive settings.
So that's the condensed version of my experience. No serial killers, nothing too weird. Sorry for the length, I tried to make it as short as possible.

LMAO @ marriage supremacy. I can't take it.

See, I think women in general, and black women in particular, are in a catch-22 situation. Because the messages we receive are rather conflicting - it's sort of:

"Well, you should want to get married, and what's wrong with you if you genuinely don't, but you're not supposed to proclaim your desire for a husband, and you're sure as heck not supposed to develop a strategy for it, never mind that it's okay to have a plan for every other aspect of your life, but it's your fault if it doesn't magically happen while sitting on your laurels, even though that's what you're supposed to do."

No wonder women are confused sometimes.

For us (black women), some of that is due to the "wait on da Lawd and see what the end gone be" perspective that the black church has used a lot, and it's crippling and disempowering those who sincerely desire marriage.

At the end of the day, I can't hate on any woman who has a (reasonable) strategy for marriage, if that's what she wants. Handle your business! I can't say that I'd go the route that Neenah has, but I hope it works out for her. I'll have to check out her site. Thanks to ZooPath for sharing her story as well.

Gina, thanks for posting this information. I will have to pay attention to the sista's journey as research for my next fiction book about a brotha. Thanks everyone for sharing your views.

I love the term 'marriage supremacy'! Too many people really feel like one classification of a relationship is 'better' than another.

I've had them both. Both have advantages and disadvantages, neither is superior to the other.
Neither makes you better, happier, more considerate etc.

It will be interesting to see how far this develops. There certainly is a market out there for this type of 'advice/encouragement'. But as you have said I won't knock her for trying to make a buck or two.

I did online dating back when it was still free. It was very effective for me. I posted one ad on Yahoo and got 100+ responses. I finally had to take the ad down because I got more responders than I could reasonably handle. It took several months to winnow them down, but when I was finished, I had my husband.

I too believe in being proactive. Would I go to the extent that this woman did? Maybe. After all, people said I was crazy and desperate when I placed an ad on Yahoo! What did my crazy desperation get me? A great husband and a fabulous kid. So hey, call me crazy and desperate, I've certainly been called worse.

thank you ZooPath for sharing your story, I tried match.com for a few months and also experienced the everything but a black woman guys that contacted me anyway even though I'm clearly black at first glance (light brown, full lips and nose) as well has having identified myself as black. Anyway I'm in a more rural area and the only single men here are military. I plan on relocating to a city soon and then I'll try eharmony.

I agree with daphne about the mixed messags women receive.

Living in a couplistic society such as we do makes for strange bedfellows. You either needy and wanting in your lacking OR you are cold and mean in not wanting.

In the end I shall reframe from putting on my Elmer Fudd hat and going a hunting....why?

Because getting married just does not mean that much to me.

I have always wanted to meet someone and have a nice boyfriend...but have never really wanted to be Mrs. _______ or Mrs. Trabue-_______

Since it does not mean enough to me to want it I shall continue to sit on the sidelines and watch. [Beginning to feel like Methos on the HIGHLANDER].

I was raised in the Pentecostal faith. And the ladies of the church would look at me every chance they got and say how pretty I was and how much they prayed that the Lord would send me the very best in a husband...and I would smile and say THANK YOU.

Now I am 38 years old, the very best is usually a homeless dude here at the Library asking for his library card number so he can get on the internet and sneak a look at porn, and I have still unmarried, unattached and thankful for just being me.

I say good luck to those who really and truly want AND/OR need to be married.

And Peace to those like myself who just want to be happily single.

It's good to see a woman making moves and thinking outside the box. And yes it would make a great tv series! Of course a woman shouldn't be defined by her marital status or from procreating/raising children but we should all have that as an option.

I'm happy to read about this sistah's proactive pursuit of what she wants. I would only see her as desperate if she settled for less than she deserved. I hope she finds a good man who treats her well, and that she'll recognize him when he presents.

I'm with Daphne, Roslyn and so many others. I'm glad to see the responses here.

See, I don't make judgments about people based on their marital status. Being married doesn't make you better than those who are single, and if you are happy being single, then by all means, stay that way.

But I'm also tired of single black women (especially professional black women) feeling that they have to play down their desire for marriage and children and to put on a brave face and say that they're "just fine" being single, when they're quite bothered by the fact that they're missing out on a normal phase of adult life that many women (and even men) DO want to experience and absolutely should experience.

And it's not like the traditional black community is helpful in these situations and I think the church influence has probably done just as much to keep black women single as so many other economic forces as well.

I'm hoping that Neenah's site and the posts from others here and on other boards are positive signs that black women are waking up and won't keep falling for the okey doke. Maybe they've noticed too many successful sistahs who were told to "wait" hitting their 40s and 50s without having been married and the chance for children long gone and they are saying, "Oh no... that will not be me."

I know that will certainly not be me. And if that means that I have to work to see what might help me move more quickly (heck, just move period) toward my goal of being married, then you better believe I will do it.

And like Roslyn, my "desperate" butt will be enjoying life with a great husband and children very soon!

I've made it clear that http://brownsugar28.com/2008/06/29/sisters-stop-waiting-on-god-to-bring-you-a-man/" rel="nofollow">single black women should stop waiting on God to bring them a man.

Do what you have to do to get what you want. Within reason of course. I'm not mad at ol'girl.

@Roslyn and Zoopath would you be interested in retelling your stories of online dating on my blog? I'm doing an online dating series pretty soon and I'd be interested in hearing your tales.

I'm happy that she is getting out there. I want her to succeed.

My marriage of 22 years was to a black man. My fiancee now is white. We've been together 5 years. I'm engaged true, but I don't have any plans to marry again. I have no desire. All the 'benefits' I had in my marriage I'm enjoying now and then some. I enjoy my committed relationship and I don't need a piece of paper to validify how I feel.

You know I have to celebrate her creativity, energy and determination. I do. Honestly. That woman wants to be married. She will be. "From the thought to the word to the deed."

It might not be what she expects but go for it and blaze that trail.

I don't want to be "married" for the sake of being "married" I want a love, a partner, a companion and a human being to walk and sleep with me for a while.

I want a full relationship. Now if I do my part like asking guys out and going on dates and risking rejection (not fun by the way) I'm good.

If I choose not to for a time then I am cool with who I am, which is single. I'm not afraid to live by myself. I know how. It is not a threat. It is not an indictment of the kind of person I am.

I will say it is about the choices you make at each stage of your life and honoring them. It is also about being flexible when it no longer works for you.

This women has got the courage to at least go find him instead of drowning in toxic thoughts or a pint of BJs Cherry Garcia. Not that anybody reading this would do such a thing.

If I never marry or find the man I can spend a portion of my life with (No he doesn't get my entire life, it will be shared,) then okey dokey smokey.

And if I do meet the right guy then he will be loved, fed and he will do the same to me. That would be very nice too.

Here is my vote for crafting the life you want and respecting other people's choices.

If marriage is what a woman really wants and needs, then I definitely applaud her for being proactive and going all out to acheive her goal.
But I have finally begun to de-program myself from the "marriage is natural and every woman should aspire to be married" meme that I was fed and believed my entire life. I no longer feel guilty about being single and I also plan to adopt in a few years. Someone mentioned the church earlier. Another thing some churches like to tell single, black women is that "God has work for you to do in the church", that's why you're single. That is complete nonsense and my advice is to stay far away from churches like that. Singlehood, like marriage, should be a choice you are happy with.

I'm in my 40's and have gotten to the point in my life that I don't want to be married or in a relationship. I'm free with 3 cats and a grown son and I am so sick of people thinking something is wrong with me because I'm single. I have been there and done that and don't need the drama or the men who think that they are God's gift and we need them so much and will be married or in a relationship with whomever slithers past to make us whole. I've been asked a few times and I am so glad that I didn't take the plunge.

I bought a wedding ring and put it on my finger and tell people I'm married to myself!

I'm unplugged for the weekend so I am putting the blog on full moderation mode so I don't have to peek in to combat foolishness, but this was a great thread to check in on. Carry on.

My philosophy about relationships is that if you like it, I love it, but don't try to hold up one lifestyle as superior tot he other. Its a whole lot of folks that have no business being married.

You said it Gina. And a lot of people have children who can't even take care of goldfish.

Some folks absolutely should never get married.

However, for CHILDREN, a healthy, cooperative, communicative marriage absolutely the best circumstance for them.

I got married to my husband when it was still about children and families, not individual satisfaction. Sure, there were imperfect family situations back in those days, BUT those values created healthier family life than what I see today, and far better options for women to find quality mates than what happens today.

I admire this sista's hard work, thought, and enterprising nature to come up with such a plan, but it annoys me that sistas have to do all this thinking outside the box mess to get married when all other races of women have to do is basically exist. Me personally, I do not trust online dating.

Anyway, I wish her well and hope she finds a husband worthy of her who will treat her like a queen.

I'm creeping up to 40 and I'm done with men. I haVE NO interest to date. Too much bull$hit. I'm at a content period of my life.

Nonetheless, I have no problems with what this woman is doing. I'm sorry ladies but the older you get the more invisible you are to men. It's just how it is. If you want a man, you can't expect to meet him organically. You've got to put yourself out there. Sadly, if this was a white woman with this sista's brains and attractiveness, she wouldn't have to do this. Picture this woman blond and blue eyed, she'd already be locked down. Especially if she was into the brothas.

My current fiancee is from my experience with on line dating. I had a few quacks just like I have with other methods of meeting men and dating them. It's not for everyone; neither is meeting on Craigslist, @ the club, @ work or in church! There is no fool proof way to meet, date and marry anyone- you might as well enjoy trying!

To FedUp and Monica,

You're right... it all comes down to the fact that the black community doesn't value and expect marriage. So black women who desire to marry have to jump through hoops to find the black men that want to, or the non-black men open to dating and marrying interracially. There is a lot more "effort" that many black women have to put into this simply because there are so many men out there that simply have no desire to marry.

While if she was of another race, she probably would have had more choices... because the men she was around would likely be more marriage-minded and ready to settle down and start a family with a WIFE, oh, sometime before they turned 50!

I wish her lots of luck!

@ JJ: Sure, I wouldn't mind sharing my experiences.

I've told my mother about how it is for black women today, with regards to men treating them with courtesy, dating, and courting. It is nonexistent. She's truly surprised by the degradation in relations, "Wow, a lot has changed."

What's funny is that she encouraged me to date non-black men long before the thought ever occurred to me.

She never had to approach marriage - she still is married to my father - the way we are forced to today. When I spell it out to her, it does sound crazy in comparison. However, it's another example of having to do too much as black women.

We end up having to work twice as hard on the job and in our personal lives.

I wish Ms Pickett lots of luck, she will need it.