ESSENCE "Do Right Men" Want to Give us All Diabetes!-Mr. WAOD???
Thursday, August 7, 2008 at 7:19AM Gina, The Blogmother Since it is almost over, it is now safe to post about ESSENCE's semi-annual attempt to prey upon the paranoia of single professional Black women. Its the semi annual "Sistahs I don't know Why Y'all All Still Single Because there are Plenty of Good Black Men Out Here, y'all just too picky!" psychological warfare.
Y'all know all we unmarried professional Black women are all going to die old and alone and be eaten alive by nine cats! MEOW! I told y'all not to get all high and mighty and go out and get a degree and whatnot--we're all unmarriagable now. Oh and you went out and purchased a home as well? Oh well just pull out the Friskies cat food right now! Tis OVA! All is lost! Sistas run for your LIIIIVES!
For about a month, I have been getting email blasts from ESSENCE.com about this"Do Right Man" competition. My dear friend and I had a hoot when I spotted a few folks she has dated and more than a few of these "Do Right" men
But while perusing this list of "Do Right" men I noticed something VERY WRONG....almost every single DO-Right man's most "romantic" gesture involves food:
“I once serenaded a special someone with a song on a yacht dinner
cruise.” The Lawyer
Maree says he once sent an anonymous letter to a woman that he really liked
and asked her to meet him at a four-star restaurant on the
beach. Quite a risk but Charles says, “The evening went very well.” The
Fireman
No seriously, they all mention food. Even the "medical professionals" who should know better:
After she had a hard day at work, “I cooked my girlfriend’s
favorite meal and drew bathwater for her. With Luther Vandross
playing in the background, I washed and rubbed her feet.” Doctor
Here is another doctor:
“A young woman I went to college with was frustrated about not having beenI ain't gon' lie, the arts and crafts collage idea was kinda tight.. minus the sugary sweet diabetes inducing cake. No wonder we all got issues with "sugar" and high blood pressure. Oh wait, here is one that didn't talk about food:
voted homecoming queen. So I compiled [a collage] with several photos of her on
the homecoming court and bought her a cake that read ‘You Are
My Homecoming Queen.’ ” Doctor
“When a woman I was seeing was venting to me about something, I just
listened until she was through. I believe that is the most romantic thing a
man can do. Sometimes a woman just needs to know you’re there.” Dooooctoooor
Too bad at 48 he is just over my 15-year cut off. Tis a shame. Gosh darnit' and there I was picking out a china pattern and bridesmaids dresses. Oh well. Here is another one that wants to clog our precious arteries:
I once surprised a special lady by preparing a romantic,
home-cooked, four-course, candlelit dinner.” Real
Estate MOGUL
Don't you feel your blood sugar spiking right about now. What's with the four and five course meals. Appetizer, entree, dessert. That's it. And it keeps going. R&B "Crooner" Jaheim wants to kill us all too:
Jaheim also likes treating you to some home-cooked comfort
food. Jaheim
Even the athletes want to fatten us up:
“He’ll trade his playbook for a cookbook and work hard to captivate with five
courses. Baby-oiled Down NFL player.
Is he counting the salad and rolls as a course???Now you mean to tell me not ONE person has noticed this pattern? Can a sister get a sonnet? A PO-EM? Nope, but we'll give her some scampi with a side of spare ribs.
If sipping fine champagne on a secluded beach, enjoying mellow music, and sampling delectable nibbles is your idea of a great date,
Ferguson is the guy for you. Another NFL Player I Ain't Ever Heard of
Delectable NIBBLES? Why not just say his idea of a romantic evening is hooking a sister up to a feeding tube? ESSENCE is trying to kill us all one biscuit at a time!!! Run for your lives SISTAS!!! RUN LIKE THE HOUNDS OF HELL AND NIPPING Nibbling AT YOUR ANKLES! With a side of fava beans and potato salad and raspberry tea.
MR WAOD?
So all this has gotten me to thinking, should have our own competition? I don't want to wound the sensibilities of my culinary- challenged male readership. Because here at WAOD, we try not to discriminate based on gender or cooking ability. Do y'all think we should have a MR. WAOD Competition like ESSENCE.com?
We can have men submit videotapes of themselves performing essential functions like:
- Cooking on something other than a grill,
- Changing a tire/ using a tire gauge PROPERLY!!
- Opening a jar of pickles,
- Putting down the toilet seat,
- Sitting outside the women's dressing room holding some shopping bags and a purse
- Assembling some furniture from IKEA (using all the parts that came in the box- No "Black engineering" allowed!)
- Other miscellaneous tasks.
We could culminate it with a phone interview on a podcast. Or would that objectify Black men too much?
Brother's let us know, did you feel objectified by ESSENCE.com's "Do Right Man" competition? Was it fair to have regla' brothers go up against baby oiled-down NFL players? Is this REVERSE SEXISM? Can you compete with brothers who are cooking their women "a meal of shrimp and scallop pasta and served on the beach"? (I can just feel the sand grinding away at my tooth enamel as I try to eat sauce laden pasta on a beach.) Can you compete with a brother who bakes oatmeal cookies? Can you perform a tropical fruit-scented massage?
“The delicious feel of a head-to-toe, nice-and-slow massage. The invigorating
scent of warmed botanical oils. The tantalizing taste of ripe tropical fruit...”
Is this fair brothers? I say IS IT FAIR? Can you compete with fresh baked bread and gourmet cheese? And granted more than a few of us are holding it down for the CGU, but really do Black men really think romance = food? No, am serious. Is Black love all about the DRANKS and VITTLES in 2008??
I say we all vote for this guy because he is the only finalist old enough to rent a car at a major US airport.
Essence, Essence Magazine in Uncategorized
Reader Comments (25)
Gina,
I am splitting my sides with laughter!
"DRANKS AND VITTLES"
"DRANKS AND VITTLES" Oh my God. hilarious. Thank you.
What? No swimsuit competition? Can you mandate that essential functions be performed in a speedo?
I watched my dh assemble an Ikea bunkbed yesterday. I must say, a man who can put stuff together is hot as hell.
But you have to have a category for getting the kids ready for bed. And doing the laundry.
I had to laugh at this. It's funny that everything in articles like this always involve exotic locations.
LOL!
you are hilarious!
Grrrrrrrrrr!
You guys don't get it but then again, there are many aspects of male culture that perplex women. Oh my goodness, your treatment this whole cooking and food "thing" has me in a MASSIVE tizzy - almost a rage. I feel like Orrin Hatch after Bill Clinton's televised comments on Monica Lewinsky. I'd be more incensed were it not for the Brett Farve trade to the NY Jets. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, I was preparing to launch into a tirade in which I imply a cluelessness on your part in regards to seriousness men possess when they prepare food, especially for women.
I have no idea where or how to begin. I got it, I'll respond to some of what you've said and I intend to be very sarcastic. Let's begin.
"No seriously, they all mention food. Even the 'medical professionals' who should know better:"
Yeah, like you're really open to some brother who comes to you and says "Hey, how about you and I do a colon cleanse together and finish it off with a tofu and endive salad?"
Oooo, very sexy and romantic! Start making those wedding plans.
Here's another gem:
"I ain't gon' lie, the arts and crafts collage idea was kinda tight.. minus the sugary sweet diabetes inducing cake."
Yeah, I'm not a big fan of those Entenmann's cakes either. By the way, did you know they were based in Bay Shore? I was hired to work a two week assignment there. I lasted two days - that baking plant had no windows but I digress...
"What's with the four and five course meals. Appetizer, entree, dessert. That's it."
Memo to the ladies: Stop eating at TGI-Fridays.
Have you ever heard the expression soup to nuts? First you have the soup, then the entree, the dessert, and then the nuts. Thats how its usually done(Please don't ask for the artichoke dip and potato skins). Now I don't always follow the usual format. I'll add a salad to precede the soup and, just to be totally decadent, I'll follow dessert with a rich cheese and a lush dessert wine (and if you ain't looking, I'll trick you into "buttering" your bread with mascarpone - that stuff is like crack) . MANY men, like myself, are sommelier "hobbyists" and culinary endeavors are a tai-chi like meditation. When you BUILD a complete meal, you have to do other $#!T like finding an appropriate aperitif, pairing the soup with the entree (if one is needed), pairing the wines, finding a digestif, and then there is creating a cheese plate. Some of you guys are absolute heathens, you'll frown upon a big tasting Merlot and opt for a white zin to go with the stilton [sigh]. This is both a labor or love and a way of communicating an affection towards women. Don't belittle it.
Oh Lawd, I almost overlooked this one:
"Even the athletes want to fatten us up..."
Okay, perfect fodder for an off topic rant: Thick women rule. A LOT of you have equated sexy with skinny. Why? Consider this: Tyra Banks didn't become sexy to many men until she put on that extra 20 pounds. Then there is an unexplainable "looking young" fascination. My 40 and over sistas, ever wonder why that 22 year old STUD mail clerk always manages to be where you are? Earth to single grown and sexy woman! That dude is digging you. Whenever I see a woman who expresses a desire to "look young" I always respond by saying "Yeah, I hear pedophiles make AWSOME boyfriends."
Let us continue.
"Delectable NIBBLES? Why not just say his idea of a romantic evening is hooking a sister up to a feeding tube?"
You're killin' me. Look, eating is a social activity and a nice meal is a good way to commune with people. And another thing to consider: when guys get together, WE commune over a beer, or bong hits. If an excessive insistence on food as a part of dating is your biggest problem, then you ain't got no problem.
Here's something that was downright insulting.
"I don't want to wound the sensibilities of my culinary- challenged male readership."
Memorize this comment so that you may reflect on it the next time you go to the supermarket to buy a frozen pie crust for your sweet potato pie.
And you have to audacity to continue with this:
"We can have men submit videotapes of themselves performing essential functions like:
1. Cooking on something other than a grill..."
Spoken like someone who still has to boil their ribs before they are placed on the grill (hehehehe, you still grill your ribs and chicken). Let me guess, your favorite brand of briquets are Kingsford, right? Did you notice that I insulted you three and a half times?
And the hits just keep on coming.
"Can you compete with fresh baked bread and gourmet cheese?"
Uh, what exactly is gourmet cheese? I guess that means anything that is not made by Sargento or Land O' Lakes. Here is your word of the day: ARTISINAL. Wait, I got another one for you: UNPASTEURIZED. Now "Google", again.
"but really do Black men really think romance = food?"
Okay, now the serious part. Food is romantic, when done properly. There are brothers out there who do some serious "Kung Fu" in the kitchen and you are giving absolutely no treatment to that. Any poor schmuck can go out to their local bakery and purchase a luscious tiramisu BUT the true culinary artisan (like some men that I know) can make tastebuds climax with just chicken, carrots, potatoes, and a five dollar Merlot. That takes true skill. You may never understand this but men, by our very nature, like crafting good things for women. There is no greater feeling than woman nearly loosing it after tasting something that may have taken several days to make. They sit down at the table, you style the food, set it down before them, and watch their facial expression. They are impressed by the presentation but you can see they thinking to themselves "Oh, he made a gumbo" as if it were mediocre to average, at best. Then they dip the spoon and taste. Its at that moment they have an experience that is akin to getting high for the first time. And if several or more courses are involved, the thrill is exponential. Everything prepared for them is beyond fantastic - its out of control.
I used to work in a gun shop as the keeper of an archery range. I met this hunter with whom I established a good friendship. He told me about a "war buddy" (from Korea) of his who knew how to cook. Sal looked at me and struggled to find the right words to communicate awe over his friend's cooking ability. Then he stopped struggling, took a deep breath, pointed at me and said "Al, that motherfucker could shake some pots and pans." That affected me in two ways: 1. it showed me that male culture takes food preparation very seriously. 2. I wanted someone to say that about me one day. From that day forward, I made it a point to seriously study cooking and cooking techniques. Sal told me about his friend over 15 years ago.
Calm down AL!
I am poking fun at ESSENCE, not brothers who can cook. I was pointing out how unoriginal all of this manufactured nonsense is.
Nothing wrong with cooking for a woman AL Chill out.
And NO I don't boil my ribs thats some northern nonsense.
AND I KNOW HOW TO COOK THANK YOU.
and Al you know good darned well these brothers ain't cooking 5 course meals
g-e-m2001,
Awright then, I take it all back. You can delete my entire commentary.
Uh uh Al We Gotta Keep your rant just so the ladies can read this:
"the true culinary artisan (like some men that I know) can make tastebuds climax with just chicken, carrots, potatoes, and a five dollar Merlot."
All that with some $5 box wine. Work it out AL
"All that with some $5 box wine."
First, it wasn't a box wine. It was a Chilean Merlot, in a bottle, that I got for $4.98. It was off the chain. That was about 5 years ago. Right now, my fave Merlot is a 2005 Cycles Gladiator from California's Central Coast. Its a rich, big tasting, plum, chocolaty delight. AND its real easy to find. If you live in one of those states where wine is sold in the Supermarket, go to one right now. I have had no problem finding it at Kroger and Publix. However, it is not under 5 bucks. It will run about $10.00 but its well worth it. Lately, I've been sidetracked by a fascination with Caipirinhas. Oh how I love to make those with a splash of Midori, in fact, I'm going out right now to get some limes. Peace.
there was a time when essence had some great articles. some great writing. what happened?
i agree, they are very very unoriginal.
lol! Kudos for defending yourself, Al.
(I wouldn't mind a nice dinner once in a while myself!)
no disrepect to Gina.
yeah another reason why i never read essence. i never felt it spoke for/to me ever. it always seemed to be a magazine for lonely church women. sorry to say.
That Essence article makes me cringe everytime I see it.
Further flipping the gender roles in the black community.
Just what we need. Ewwww
" I'd be more incensed were it not for the Brett Farve trade to the NY Jets."
Not me Im estatic to have him.
As far as this post, one would get the idea that those who complain about a man cooking for them wouldnt be satisfied with anything he did.
Im missing what the big deal is are yall upset that men would have the nerve to cook/treat women to dinner?
Upset that cooking dinner is considered romantic as opposed to the the "essential tasks" which sound like a need for a butler and not a romantic relationship?
A little clarification on what you expect from "single" black men in the "courting" process might help get what your looking for.
From what I gathered the Essence article was not advertising a hook up line for women it was just show casing dudes that were not the bad black men that is a favorite topic for some women.
Essence has a do wrong list to balance that out.
It was a fluff piece that I do not think was meant to offend anyone.
clnmike oh get over it. You are such a sourpuss. It was a funny post, at least to me. It was tongue and cheek. The list of essential tasks was sarcasm. Although I think it is the sweetest thing when I go to the store and see a man ladened down with packages ad a purse. THat's LOVE!!!!
"You are such a sourpuss."
Yes I am, lol.
Gina, I think you are bright as hell, but I was disappointed with this entry also. There are a million and one things you can criticize about Essence (trust me, I keep my own list), but showcasing brothers who have culinary skills (albeit in a very superficial and yes, airbrushed way) is not high on their crimes scale. I married a man that can tear up in the kitchen and on the grill. We'll be married 10 years this October. Breaking bread is what people do to get to know each other and a thoughtfully planned and prepared meal is one of the greatest gifts to give someone. So, your dis should have been directed at the editors not at what the guys had to offer. Besides, every sister I know LOVES to eat. And none of my girls are diabetic or hypertensive (this has just as much to do with genetics as it has to do with diet).
I love your critical thinking, but this one just missed the mark. And a little note to Al from Bay Shore.... look into Carneros Valley Chardonnays... delicious for the summer!
OH People stop whining and pouting. It was tongue in cheek.
I was pointing about the lack of originality and this asinine competition.
No whinin' or poutin' here.... just a little constructive criticism.
Keep doin' your thang.
This is hilarious. I really didn't notice that mostof the answer were food related. I am not a professional woman, I did have some college and have no children. I am looking for a man who is not like my X. I would love for a man to be romantic,sincere, and a gentleman. My problem is that do they actually do these things or is it all for show. Actions speak louded than words. Keep up the good work!!
Jamillah,
its all for SHOW!
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