Rebecca vs. Alice Walker: The Cobbler's Children have no Shoes

SO I guess Rebbecca Walker didn't send her Mom, Alice Walker a Mother's Day card with some gas money stuffed inside. I have heard people mention in passing on other blogs that Rebeca and Alice Walker have some "issues". I can completely understand the whole concept of the daughter going in the complete opposite direction of their Mother, quite common. I have this complex about being on time to events( MY RELATIVES KNOW WHY!!!). There are two sides to every story... actually three sides: Yours, mine, and the truth. How old is Rebecca Walker again?:

You see, my mum taught me that children enslave women. I grew up believing that children are millstones around your neck, and the idea that motherhood can make you blissfully happy is a complete fairytale. SOURCE

Mama, I make you blissfully happy don't I?

I was raised to believe that women need men like a fish needs a bicycle.My mother's feminist principles coloured every aspect of my life. As a little girl, I wasn't even allowed to play with dolls or stuffed toys in case they brought out a maternal instinct. It was drummed into me that being a mother, raising children and running a home were a form of slavery. Having a career, travelling the world and being independent were what really mattered according to her. Source

This has a certain "NO Wire Hangers" feel to this. That traveling the world get old. Two weeks abroad and you start craving fast food.

I love my mother very much, but I haven't seen her or spoken to her since I became pregnant. She has never seen my son - her only grandchild. My crime? Daring to question her ideology.

You sure it wasn't the part about you writing a book or giving interviews criticizing her? No, you had to do something else other than that.

But, while she has taken care of daughters all over the world and is hugely revered for her public work and service, my childhood tells a very different story. I came very low down in her priorities - after work, political integrity, self-fulfilment, friendships, spiritual life, fame and travel. SOURCE

This sounds kind of like that old adage "The Cobbler's children have no shoes." All you have in life is family at the end of the day as far as I am concerned. What that looks like is up to you. Sure I poke at the parental unit, it's part of my charm, but I can't imagine painting my mom out to be Joan Crawford, but then again, I wasn't raised to believe my Mother felt I was a millstone.

So what happens to the radical feminists in their old age??? No seriously, I know some radical feminists who read this blog. Explain that part of the puzzle. Once you are old and infirm and cannot take care of yourself who looks after you? Not that having kids is any guarantee or thats any reason to have children, but isn't the whole circle of life thing that we exit the world pretty much the way we came into it.?

Are children a millstone? Even if they are a millstone, should a parent tell them? Is Alice Walker "Mommy Dearest?" Or should Rebecca get over her childhood issues and develop a writing career independent of telling the world not to listen to whatever her mother says?

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Comments

[mouemagazine]

I'm an extremely private person and the idea of airing my familial dirty laundry (of which there are loads) out in public makes me squirm a little. But Alice Walker is a public figure whose opinions on most of the topics that her daughter mentions are fairly well known. Rebecca stands in a unique position in that she can report first hand what the effects of certain wave-feminist beliefs can have in the long run.

As for children being a millstone, there is a process to having a child. If a woman gets pregnant, has the child and decides not to put the child up for adoption she has chosen to have that child. To treat a child like their birth was an unfortunate event in the mother's (or father's) life is extremely harsh. It can leave the child feeling like they have to apologize for existing. No good can come of that.

-Brandy

[brotherkomrade]

The second I laid on eyes on Rebecca when I saw her going up to her non-profit one morning in 2002 I knew what was up. My wife grew around kids who were children of activist/artist (ok, my wife was one of them, but had different experiences than her friends)and they had similar issues as Rebecca. I just so knew something like this was coming out. Has anyone seen running with scissors?

[lexdiamonz]

I am reading this and I must reflect on my bra-burning, black panther mother while I love her deeply i despise her at the same time my own experiences are similar to rebecca only i had a baby at 17 not 13 while my mother saved the world she forgot about her own daughters one who died at 12 years old her life and taking care of others were more important than taking care of us i often wonder why she had me and my sisters and brothers i also notice how my children are so incredible yet spoiled rotten i cannot imagine life not being a mother ironic i guess good read but trust me i can relate

[iman]

This is an interesting post.

I think children who grow up w/ parents who have strong political ideals often grow up with some type of resentment. A lot of time, parents who come into their own"radical consciousness" late in life, use their entire role parent to mold a child that subscribes to and lives by their ideology to perfection. They try to live through their child, by making up for things they might have missed in their more conventional childhoods. I think it's great to have political convictions and ideals, but you have to let your children come into their own consciousness. You don't have to beat your children in the head teaching them about sexism or racism for them to understand these concepts.

My parents were very liberal, but they never imposed their beliefs on us. They also genuinely enjoyed raising us and made us a priority. Instead of beating us over the head w/ their political beliefs, they raised us with a strong belief in the concept of equity and taught us to be open minded. The rest we figured out on our own. That was enough to ensure that as adults we pretty much have the same political beliefs as them with out any resentment.

[Woman in Transition]

The experience of motherhood cannot be understood until a woman actually becomes a mother. It's complicated, as they say. When I was pregnant with my son, my best friend, who already had 3 teens, said to me: 'welcome to the end of your life.' I could have easily taken that to mean that my son would be like a millstone. But that's certainly not what my friend meant and that is definitely not what I got from her statement. But that's due, in part, from the fact that I have a healthy sense of life and of self, something that perhaps is lacking in Madame Rebecca. I'm sure Alice Walker would have a totally different view of the relationship she has with her daughter. God knows, life couldn't have been easy during that time, and Rebecca obviously has suffered from that fact. But her mother (and father, I'm sure) did the best she knew how with what she had to raise her daughter at THAT time. Every mother looks back and thinks they could have done something different with their kids, some with more regret than others. But one thing mothers should not do is let their children hold them hostage in one way or another for whatever they didn't do. "Get your healing and get over it."

[GoldenAh]

Hey congratulations on the credentials to the DNC convention! Would you consider vlogging?

---

The work of the frontier feminists and civil rights folks was necessary. They made legal / social changes we all benefit from.

However, in their enthusiasm (extremism?) they damaged familial relationships. Feminism overstepped with rejecting men, and degrading the traditional family unit. "Women need men like a fish needs a bike." WTH? No surprise that Rebecca feels wronged. Oh well.

As for the tell-some-all book: A. Walker wrote about her life. She mentions her father quite a bit too.

I wish these ladies well.

[JJ]

All you have in life is family at the end of the day as far as I am concerned.

Yeah. U must have a pretty decent family. Blood is NOT thicker than water. Some people are like cancer and it doesn't matter if they're related to you or not...if they're cancer...you gotta cut'em out.

Rebecca Walker's blames things on feminism that aren't feminism's fault. It has more to do with the type of mother Alice Walker is/was.

Feminism isn't responsible for a generation of childless women. Feminism doesn't state that ALL women will be able to have carefree abortions. Not all radical feminist believe a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

R. Walker makes the same mistake that she puts on "Radical Feminism" assuming that here beliefs mirror the majority.

And Gloria Steinem is married, so I suspect her husband will be taking care of her in old age.

[JJ]

Or should Rebecca get over her childhood issues and develop a writing career independent of telling the world not to listen to whatever her mother says?

That's a cheap shot.

[Brother OMi]

good post.

As a parent, I realized that some of the things I was fighting for contradicted how I raise our children. I want people to be open minded and free, yet I tried to impose ideas on to my children. In other words, I became a dictator.

I am so thankful my wife is my counterbalance. she checks me time and again. I love her for that.

I think what happens is that just because one is a great activist, it may not make that person a great parent, or a great spouse.

I remember Dr. Betty Shabazz stating how she left Malcolm X twice because he was not handling his business. It really puts things in perspective.

Alot of our leaders and people who we revere as heroes were very bad parents (i.e. CHe Guevara, Gandhi, Arturo Schomburg...) . Oftentimes, we neglect what is really central in our lives.

The best way to make change is at home and raising our babies right is the way to do it. loving them and cherishing them is the best way.

[Anonymiss]

Parents who don't encourage free thinking and individuality have no one to blame but themselves when their children lose respect for them and start to resent them. I mean, Rebecca was doing drugs, having sex, and had an abortion at 14. Ummm...WTH was Alice?

I understand where Rebecca's coming from. My issues with my family stem from growing up bicultural and not being accepted as such. A lot of my relatives are a straight-up poison that I have permanently cut off and for years I couldn't stand my mom cuz I never felt protected by her. A lot of times she lacked maternal insticts during my formative years and I think she was taking her and my dad's marriage out on me and I really felt like the ball and chain. My parents had an arranged marriage when she was 16 and from what I gather, she feels robbed. I know now that she's happy that I didn't have to take the road that she was forced to take but I always felt like she resented that I was brought up in America.

Fortunately, we worked things out and she respects me yet still treats me like a child. Now that I'm grown, I feel that she's more nurturing and that bothers me cuz when I was growing up, she wasn't that way.

[Pamela]

One of my close friends had a fool for a mother. She was not wanted under other circumstances. Her mother told her I think while she was a teenager that if she had had $25 that she would not be here. It took my friend probably 20 years before she had any feelings for her mother as a human. The last two years of her mom's life they began to build at least a relationship between humans but it was never a relationship that a mother and daughter should have.

I guess I'm really testy when I see selfish parents.

[Renee]

We have no idea what kind of mother Alice is or was. We have Rebecca's commentary and that is all. Before we throw Alice to the wolves let's remember that there is another side to this story.
I further resent her blaming feminism. It seems to me she has an issue with her mother. If it were not for feminism she would not have even had to the choice whether or not be a mother, a point Rebbecca fails to acknowledge. Would she even have a career without a famous mother? Who would have bothered to read this story otherwise?

[Venetta]

Fascinating post; I didn't know AW had a child. My dad told me that you can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family. Lucky for Rebecca that her stepmom provided a positive maternal role.

[Veronica]

First...gloria's husband died a few years ago.

Second...i'm almost obsessed with this situation because i do fear that my daughter & I will end up like her & alice. Yet I also know that I'm not as radical in my thoughts as her...as least I think.

[justicewalks]

So what happens to the radical feminists in their old age??? No seriously, I know some radical feminists who read this blog. Explain that part of the puzzle.

I think it is a horrible abuse of power-over to purposefully instill in people an obligation to care for you in your old age. I believe that it is a negation of all the other possible ways of joining and aligning and allying with each other to insist that raising people to feel *obligated* to give a shit about you is the only way to get them to do so.

The main reason why our elderly aren't taken care of is ageism. People hate, dismiss, disregard, and disrespect old people, especially old women. I'd rather get rid of the -isms that keep people from forming genuine bonds of respect and affection across socialized boundaries - young/old, nonblack/black, able-bodied/disabled - than to perpetuate them by agreeing that only a crone's cowed/bullied/manipulated/hen-pecked children could ever, or should ever, care enough about her to see after her needs.

[just another opinion]

When Rebecca's book about motherhood came out, I read an excerpt where she wrote that even though for years she parented her former partner's biological son, there was a point when she realized that she would not die for that child the way she would for her own biological one. Now, does that child really need her brutal honesty out in the world? Talk about better left unsaid and stopping the cycle! I don't care what kind of mother she had--at the moment that she publicly inflicted her own cruelty upon a child for the sake of selling a book, she could no longer write anything of value to me.

[Davy Moore]

Quite Good Content.

thx
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