Monday
Oct012007
Brothers Speak on WAOD-"National Domestic Violence Awareness Month "- National Day of Unity
Monday, October 1, 2007 at 7:10AM The Blogmother
Did you read the report out last week about a Brother that decided to shoot his pregnant girlfriend in the stomach with a sawed off shot gun? Or perhaps you missed the report out of St Louis about another man who not only killed his live in girlfriend, but shot her three kids execution-style?
Today is October 1st. a National Day of Unity as part of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. If you are an African American woman, you should be AWARE of the fact that Black women are three times as likely to be the victim of domestic violence than our non-Black counterparts. But don't hold your breath waiting for our leading social or civic organizations to hold and vigils, public forums, or community outreach events.
Last week as we were awaiting word on the fate of Nailah Franklin, a mini discussion about domestic violence popped off in the comments section of a post about the case. and over at Concrete Loop and Bossip.
Dj Black Adam, a brave brother that frequently weighs into the fray at WAOD, and holds his own I might add, weighed in. Other than the typical "He's a psycho"/ "She's a psycho"/"Black women always fall for the abusers" discussion that we typically fall into, as the Black community has once again lapsed into in the aftermath of the Bynum-Weeks throw down in A-town, we don't tend to dwell too long on Domestic Violence in the African American community. We like the sound bytes. They're sexy and trite and they don't really force us to acknowledge that Black women are murdered by the men in their lives at a rate THREE times that of other groups of women
And did you know that there are actually factors that assess the "lethality" of your relationship? Peruse these factors for a moment, if you check off any of the factors, you have some thinking to do.
Typically when a discussion about DV pops up here on WAOD, we engage in a series of monologues about how bad it is. People tell their own personal stories of being victimized or people chime in about what they wouldn't take from anyone. Then someone chimes in about the culture of violence and misogyny and then a man will pop in with the typical "women are attracted to thugs"( as if "thugs" are the only ones who are beating and killing their partners). Then, as in th case with Juanita Bynum, we start trying to figure out what the victim did to provoke the attack trying to see if there was a "he was provoked" defense available and then we move on to the next story until we hear about another high profile DV case and we repeat the cycle.
Quite frankly after the last few weeks, I really don't feel like the usual. So I, being "different," have decided that we have more than enough women bloggers holding it down for DV Awareness Month so I want to hear from Black men on the subject. So our Guest Contributors for DV Awareness Month will be Black men
Will they say some things that the vast majority of the readers of this site take issue with? Absolutely! In fact I guarantee it because almost every time we have one of these discussions in the comments, "Gender Wars 2007" threatens to break out .
Plenty of women are going to be talking about DV this month, I'll be linking to their posts, but here at WAOD, I want to know what Black men really think about DV, if they think about it at all ( I know some do).
This will either be very enlightening or a train wreck, but it won't be a boring.
I've already secured two volunteers, if you are a male blogger and you want to write a post about YOUR THOUGHTS on Domestic Violence in the African American community, drop me an e-mail. All SANE contributions will be considered.
Today is October 1st. a National Day of Unity as part of National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. If you are an African American woman, you should be AWARE of the fact that Black women are three times as likely to be the victim of domestic violence than our non-Black counterparts. But don't hold your breath waiting for our leading social or civic organizations to hold and vigils, public forums, or community outreach events.
Last week as we were awaiting word on the fate of Nailah Franklin, a mini discussion about domestic violence popped off in the comments section of a post about the case. and over at Concrete Loop and Bossip.
Dj Black Adam, a brave brother that frequently weighs into the fray at WAOD, and holds his own I might add, weighed in. Other than the typical "He's a psycho"/ "She's a psycho"/"Black women always fall for the abusers" discussion that we typically fall into, as the Black community has once again lapsed into in the aftermath of the Bynum-Weeks throw down in A-town, we don't tend to dwell too long on Domestic Violence in the African American community. We like the sound bytes. They're sexy and trite and they don't really force us to acknowledge that Black women are murdered by the men in their lives at a rate THREE times that of other groups of women
Where the relationship could be determined, more than 90 percent of black females killed by males in single victim/single offender incidents knew their killers . Nearly 12 times as many black females were murdered by a male they knew than were killed by male strangers in single victim/single offender incidents in 2005. Of black victims who knew their offenders, 60 percent were wives, common-law wives, ex-wives, or girlfriends of the offenders. Ninety-four percent of the homicides of black women where the race of the male offender was known were intra-racial. SOURCE
And did you know that there are actually factors that assess the "lethality" of your relationship? Peruse these factors for a moment, if you check off any of the factors, you have some thinking to do.
Typically when a discussion about DV pops up here on WAOD, we engage in a series of monologues about how bad it is. People tell their own personal stories of being victimized or people chime in about what they wouldn't take from anyone. Then someone chimes in about the culture of violence and misogyny and then a man will pop in with the typical "women are attracted to thugs"( as if "thugs" are the only ones who are beating and killing their partners). Then, as in th case with Juanita Bynum, we start trying to figure out what the victim did to provoke the attack trying to see if there was a "he was provoked" defense available and then we move on to the next story until we hear about another high profile DV case and we repeat the cycle.
Quite frankly after the last few weeks, I really don't feel like the usual. So I, being "different," have decided that we have more than enough women bloggers holding it down for DV Awareness Month so I want to hear from Black men on the subject. So our Guest Contributors for DV Awareness Month will be Black men
Will they say some things that the vast majority of the readers of this site take issue with? Absolutely! In fact I guarantee it because almost every time we have one of these discussions in the comments, "Gender Wars 2007" threatens to break out .
Plenty of women are going to be talking about DV this month, I'll be linking to their posts, but here at WAOD, I want to know what Black men really think about DV, if they think about it at all ( I know some do).
This will either be very enlightening or a train wreck, but it won't be a boring.
I've already secured two volunteers, if you are a male blogger and you want to write a post about YOUR THOUGHTS on Domestic Violence in the African American community, drop me an e-mail. All SANE contributions will be considered.
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Reader Comments (7)
Gina, great post. I will add this information to my blog during my lunch break. Take care. Keep up the great work.
Although I have not posted to my own blog in quite some time, I have written about domestic violence as I have experienced it as a child.
As Jake the Muss said in Once were Warriors 2, "Everybody was hitting everybody". But that is the rationalization from a man who tries to justify his own actions.
My point is that I grew up in a working-class environment and it was definitely a crabs-in-the-barrel environment as well. When you can’t hit the boss, or hit an employer, harassing cop, or a social condition personified, you hit the people who are made of real flesh and bone and within arm's length.
The social conditions for this are real and many, but it's the actions that should be held accountable. When brothers go into "It's not cool to hit a woman... (no sh*t), but you know she probably got in a brother's face and ..” that kind of talk is just rationalizing abuse and when rationalization happens, that's when male privilege enables abuse in a society. Yeah, we know there are self-defense courses and a woman can be aggressive and tote guns, and all that stuff, but what does that have to do with a woman who is held captive in her home with her children out of pure fear and the threat of death if she leaves?
That's right, nothing! A woman can defend herself from a complete stranger and I know that by the time my oldest daughter turns 10, I'm enrolling her in martial arts courses, but abuse preys on the 'love' a victim feels for their abuser and the abuse is powered by male privilege in a patriarchal and misogynist society. End of story.
We need to really look at misogyny and this means understanding that as men living in a misogynist culture (among its other ills) only we can be more effective in ending it by listening to those we hurt the most and who is most effected by misogyny.
If you are a man born in a society and culture built on dominance over other people, land, natural resources, and animals you know that in some cases you are coming from a layer of privilege; and as much as this is going to annoy some MOCs (Men of Color) reading this, we too have 'privilege'.
Maybe before Rap became the straw dog of misogyny, white people gave black males the privilege of getting away with domestic violence simply because they didn't care about the victims and we in turn, would treat it as a 'closing of the ranks;' situation.
Of course there have been instances where black men would be arrested for domestic violence or murder of their partners, but that has nothing to do with the law being interested in stopping violence against women; but the case of just putting another n*gger in jail. If they could get the female victim as well - that's a "two-for one” deal.
There are many ideas that come from the progressive circles I'm familiar with as to how a community can best deal with domestic violence. I think any approach should be dealt with as serious as we deal with racism, police terror, and any other ills that affect the black community. But either way, it should be a two prong approach; men should seek to challenge misogyny, their own misogynist tendencies (like the tendencies of an alcoholic, they do not go away), and stop and report any instances of abuse.
As men we should educate each other and our youth about why the behavior of an abuser is toxic to our people.
This is a good idea Gina. Men need to do some self-reflection about this issue. I have never been a victim of partner violence but I think about it a lot. I have heard the statistics about Black women being much more likely to be victims of violence at the hands of Black men. In fact, because of that I would be more worried about being attacked by a Black man than someone of another race. That wasn't based on self-hatred. It was based entirely about reading those statistics. I have absolutely no tolerance for domestic violence. If I was dating a guy and found out he hit his girlfriend in the past it would be over. And then I would be afraid that he would seek revenge. I want to hear what men have to say about this. Why would you hit someone smaller and physically weaker than you? Why don't you hit a wall instead of the person? Are you really telling us you can let a woman push you so hard you can't think of anything else to do but hit her?
"Why would you hit someone smaller and physically weaker than you? Why don't you hit a wall instead of the person? "
You are right, Trinity, this is where taking responsibility for your actions come in. I have walked away from many of fights (with other men) so it was never hard to do the same with my partner if I get that heated, I'd rather punch the wall or just shut-down and walk away. But it is a struggle for those who grew up with that kind of stuff happening around you.
The growing up piece is powerful as well for women because if they've always seen men be that way with women, they think it's normal; even when they've vowed to never be victims like their mother.
I do think that male abusers can be redeemed; but it will take them being separated from their victims and their enablers AND serious counseling for years.
Scarlet Letters don't necessarily reform or redeem and that's by design I think.
Now for those who actaully kill someone, I can't see too much happening there. I'm sure someone will work with that person, but it couldn't be me if the victim was a child or someone smaller than them.
The "bigger weaker" thing doesn't sit me well though in the female context, because we want to think that women are naturally weak and men are naturally strong. Abuse is abuse. I've seen men whose women towered over them and they still beat them and tried to submit them by putting them down.
I'm in... you'll get something from me today or tomorrow.
GF
Yea – That’s Domestic Violence
by Carmin Wharton
During a counseling session with a client recently, I realized that many women may not recognize domestic violence in its other forms so that is the focus of this article.
1. Domestic violence includes physical attack of any kind. This includes pushing, shoving, shaking, slapping, punching, kicking, stomping, etc. Any physical contact that is frightens you is meant to do just that and no, it's not all in your mind. If you felt frightened, you were supposed to feel frightened. It's the spirit, your gut, and intuition - whatever you want to call it, telling you that you are in danger, my dear.
2. Domestic violence includes verbal abuse. Verbal abuse can be cursing, threatening to kill you or do you or your children bodily harm. Verbal abuse includes yelling and getting all up in your face without ever touching you.
3. Domestic violence includes emotional abuse. Purposely doing things to inflict emotional pain on you is domestic abuse. Not coming home at night, having other women (or men - God forbid) call your home, come to your home or otherwise disrespect you and your home is all domestic violence. Draining your joint checking account or spreading ugly rumors about you - all emotional warfare.
Finally, rarely does physical abuse start out as such. Domestic violence - in fact any kind of violence - usually starts with a word.
Your spirit will let you know you are being abused. Don't ignore your spirit. Don't worry about what people will say. Don't worry about staying for your children (you're doing them greater harm by staying). Don't worry about how you will support yourself (if you're dead or badly beaten - that won't matter).
Domestic abuse affects more than just the victim upon which the abuse is inflicted. Others are victims as well. Your family, friends, co-workers and associates are victims as well. It is very distressing for others who suspect that you are being abused or those you ask to keep your secret to remain uninvolved. Domestic abuse erodes our society because it relegates the abused to feeling hopeless and contributes to low self-esteem. Families are destroyed because of it and this fact can be perpetuated in generations to come. Abusers usually come from families in which either they are one of their parents were abused. It’s a cycle that must be broken.
If you need help leaving, get help. Talk to your local domestic violence shelter, your pastor, a co-worker, your supervisor, your friends, your family. Make sure the person you ask for assistance can give you the assistance you need and that they are able and willing to get involved. Get out now.
Please feel free to use this article in your newsletter, e-zine or blog. However, the byline below must be included in its entirety.
Copyright 2007 Carmin Wharton
Author, Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces
www.carminwharton.com – Official Author’s Website
www.therelationshipteacher.com - Blog
Ashe Brotherkomrade