Posted by Faith of Acts Of Faith In Love & Life blog
Welcome back WAOD readers. I trust your weekend was great and you’ve had some time to digest the very intensive essays from our first week together. It’s a process that should be revisited.
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Note I said BEST life. Not diminished, compromised, less-than, most convenient for others, or lower quality.
I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised by the confused or hostile reactions expressed by those who’ve read my recent posts. Some are forgetting the point of the conversation is to ensure the lives of children are not being negatively impacted unnecessarily. It’s also to remind black women that they are not and should not be taking on the role of mother, father, breadwinner and superwoman solo. You can NOT really effectively parent if you’re bone tired, emotionally drained or choosing which bill to skip to make ends meat. You will age yourself prematurely from lack of sleep, nutrition and any time for yourself. Even if you have help it’s still not the same thing as having a mate to ease your burdens and remind you of how special you are.
We spend time online to network, open our social circles, meet like-minded people and to exchange information amongst other things. I’ve had people upend a lot of my confused and disordered thinking. I’ve had to be open to work through this. I’ve drawn certain lines in the sand. It’s a process. We all won’t see eye to eye on the same issues and may have to part ways. That’s okay because we have to live the life of our choosing. We cannot let other people dictate our philosophies, but we DO need to examine our motivations and choices to compare if they’re life-affirming and normative. If the message isn’t for you then you are free to ignore me at will safe in the knowledge that your life is where you want it to be.
Yet some people don’t want to walk away. They want to get you to change your mind to their way of thinking. Why is that? It always amazes me when people disagree by selectively picking one sentence or one point while discarding the entire message. I shouldn’t be surprised though. This isn’t for those who arrived at their destination point and have disembarked. This is for those still traveling who may decide to continue, change course or get off.
What I didn’t realize was that I was a radical. I mean I’m an average woman living an average life. I’ve long struggled to feel free to be myself and to find out who I am fully divested and free. I’ve been hampered by some warped set of invisible rules as well as the conditioning of people I call family. Being your own person takes a lot of effort. You have to try a few things for size and push back on certain ideas and ideologies.
Often these discussions can be so painful that people don’t want to hear them or misinterpret them. People are so invested in clinging to their totems they’re drowning. I am not responsible for how anyone reacts to my message. All I’m responsible for is being my authentic self. I can state clearly that I have been. What I am is a black woman who wants the world to be a kinder place for all the children of the world. It has been written on my heart to feel especially concerned for the welfare of little black girls. I see so many who look like they’d rather be anywhere than where they are. I’ve felt that way at times. We can’t just hope – we have to take action and be responsible for our choices. We have to learn how to make good ones though. It’s the difference between being independent and free.
When I speak of the “black community” lie I am talking about the dysfunction that has gone unchecked. I’m talking about decaying residential areas that are unsafe. I’m talking about these unrealistic expectations on black women to do everything, fix everything and diminish themselves in every way so some insecure men feel better about themselves. I’m talking about all the time, money and energy black women give to organizations from their local church to the NAACP who do not reciprocate pound for pound. Nor are we demanding it collectively. I’m talking about the myopic view of what the community is and why it’s so stifling. I’m talking about the strict regime of a group of blacks who either a) despise other blacks b) stress jumping through hoops of false expressions of blackness c) being tied by degrading music and entertainment and d) make no mention of attacking these dysfunctions head on. Some of these people are poor, some are poor in spirit, some belong to what they refer to as an “elite” class, some are (dysfunctional) male-identified where race loyalty trumps behavior, some are males and some like to make lots of excuses.
It’s just the same when I discussed how a majority of black men despise black women. It’s because of their weakened position post-slavery. Guess what though? We are in a similar weakened state as well. We’ve just decided to work through it. We had to try because we are responsible for carrying new life to term. The men can’t stand even the tiniest amount of criticism. Why is upholding a false contract of superiority my responsibility?
Unemployment is always used as a reason for child abandonment. “If the black man had a job he’d be a father” is the argument. So what of the millionaires and celebrities who behave the same way? Why don’t the whole lot of men terminate their reproductive capabilities? Why create a life and walk away? It’s an excuse. You can’t have a large group of men perpetually out of work for four decades unless there are other pathologies in existence. If you drop out of school, have an attitude and sense of entitlement you may find you have put more obstacles in your path than anyone else. It can’t all be about white racism. If it is then everyone should just take cyanide and be done with it because your life is apparently over.
For all of those unpleasantries we DO have black men who provide, protect, befriend and behave. They’re just lost in the sea of perpetual insanity. We have numerous examples of people who’ve taken risks as well. The irony of course is how many in the “black community” stood by and did nothing or fought other people tooth and nail for daring to have a vision. It was their vision that improved the lives of the very people who were ungrateful and trying to block blessings. Now that most of those pioneers and rabble-rousers are dead it’s all gravy. The stench of that hypocrisy leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I don’t like revisionist history. If people are cowards they should live a coward’s life with its coward’s rewards.
This isn’t about dissecting the choices of individuals and their lives. This is about the collective (including those left of what used to be called the “black community”) making a choice whether they want to see themselves rendered in a permanent underclass of haves and have-nots OR if they want to salvage what’s left with the decent people who would work for their survival and elevation.
Now can somebody explain to me how this is radical, political, disruptive, presumptive, impossible, offensive and anything else other than NORMAL?
39 comments ↓
Do not take negative comments to heart but I have found with our people that you get a better response with honey than with vinegar-we as a people do not like to look inwards and heal ourselves but we need to start before we implode, we who know better need to set a good example, show understanding and compassion instead of hostility and except that not all black women are angels and not all black men devils, when we see wrong doing we must confront it and try and live better lives.
No, Faith, I cannot as much as make up something that says wanting/needing/having the best life for myself and my daughter (not to mention black women and girls) is anything short of normal.
Granted, many of us goofed (for the lack of a better word), but what matters now is what must be done in the here and now. Anyone who argues otherwise…well, I for one am not in the business of handling corpses, breathing or not.
@Susan I haven’t taken the criticism to heart. I’ve been dumbstruck at the lack of willingness to examine the decay and destruction other people are willing to live with. This analysis is for the benefit of others and may seem shocking to some because there has hardly been any, particularly from the men who claim leadreship roles. They’re rolling in the mud right along with most! As I have previously stated I was discussing the pathologies of those it applied to. I never said it applied to ALL but an INCREASING MAJORITY. I stand by that. Don’t try to misdirect the conversation. What SOLUTIONS are you offering is your call to set a GOOD EXAMPLE? Talk is cheap. What are YOUR ACTION PLANS? Please list them in your reply. Your input in accurately assessing the situation and resolving this is vital.
@Rainebeaux We’ve ALL messed up on some level. Perfection isn’t the goal here. A majority of good decisions are. If you don’t know what those are learning them quickly is imperative.
My goodness, any kind of strong criticism directed at black men is a call to arms for black women. Meanwhile, you’ve got black men making millions of dollars degrading and CRITSIZING black women left and right. I don’t hear black men demanding that they take it easy on us. Especially, since too many of us are doing MOST of the work.
No, strong criticism is NEEDED. Stop tip toeing around our problems and black men. We’ve been doing this for far too long and it hasn’t gotten us anywhere.
No, this post was spot on!
Black women are not emotionally prepared to hear anything NEGATIVE about black men. They take it personally and immediately pick up the nearest verbal rock or gun to defend foolishness without a THOUGHT as to whether this black man can defend himself or NEEDS to be defended.
I am in no way having a go at you I admire what you are saying and of course would be happy to offer solutions I am not in any way misdirecting the conversation and am offended that you somehow think I disagree with you-from schools to youth clubs our young people need active mentors to give their time, support black buisnesses, be active in complaining to networks and newspapers that continue to demean us, demand more from our elected representatives, many are stuck in a timewarp and out of touch.Start support groups that offer advice and counselling, in your day to day interactions with Black people show respect and kindness.-I do all this and it has opened up my eyes to the good in our community and to like minded people.
Great post Faith. Many truths here. Our people better wake up! More importantly, sisters need to realize that time will not stand still while they figure it out. Some NEVER do. Time is passing and the (self and dbrbm imposed) destruction is already upon us. The time to take action has long passed but it is (almost) never too late to do what you can to stop the madness in your own lives and make the positive and necessary changes to save yourselves. Thanks for the post.
You are being radical but there is nothing wrong with it. The reasons for which your ideas are radical has everything to do with context. The philosophical foundation of contemporary Black existence are two basic ideas: (1) unconditional Black solidarity and (2) the belief that the problems of Black folks have external causes and require external solutions. This philosphical foundation, and all its variants, is like a sacred cow that is not to be sacrificed under any circumstances. Even while everyone starves. Anyone who does suffers the epithets (ie. Uncle Tom, sellout, etc.,). Your mention of “unchecked dysfunctions” and suggestions of an overemphasis on Black male plights deviates from this context. You are a radical, and that is a good thing.
Radicals usher long awaited, anticipated, and timely ideas. There is a radicalism that is unbridled in its criticism of Black on Black dysfunction. It raises questions about the accountability of Civil Rights institutions to their “successes” and failures. It is finding a way transform unconditional Black solidarity into a conditional Black solidarity. In some cases, it completely repudiates Black solidarity. It doesn’t equate Black identity with membership in a particular political party. Often, it sees ghetto culture as an evil greater than racism. This is very radical, and that’s good. A change has been a long time coming.
Please stay radical. This is the growing revolt against an oppression effected by ghetto tyranny and an unelected class of intellectuals and clerics who are not accountable to the results of their perverted form of activism. Places like WAOD are merely quarters of the Black community that are beginning to raise questions and speak more publicly about the things we’ve been conditioned not to say.
I’m of the opinion that a fierce cultural and ideologcial war has been escalating for some time. Its a fight against ghetto culture and contemporary Civil Rights ideology. Neither will concede anything, especially when the Civil Rights establishment continues acting as apologists for ghetto culture, and the havoc it wreaks upon hard working, honest Black people who only seek to have a good and stable existence.
Please stay radical, this fight is far from over.
Perhaps the backlash that you’re experiencing is due to the unvarnished truth that your posts have forced people to see. While I don’t necessarily agree with all of your arguments, it would be trifling on my part not to acknowledge that a basis exists for such arguments.
PEOPLE DO NOT ENJOY BEING CALLED OUT ON THEIR S***, No matter who is at risk. Others are simply too lazy to care and too trifling to admit they’re too lazy. Others may have the desire to engage in change, but fear (read laziness) compels them to stay on the sidelines instead of becoming involved. I wish I knew.
From my perspective, musch of the work that needs to be done appears to be too daunting a task to be undertaken by one person. That doesn’t deter me though. It simply reinforces that I have limitations and that insight is pretty helpful. It allowed me to focus my energies on one or two things that I knew would have a resounding and long-lived impact. Even if one derogatory ad campaign was shut down, or a national black leader embarrassed for being called out, it makes it all worth it.
My action plan is to continue to work with the organizations I already volunteer with, related to the prevention domestic violence (including safe housing for DV victims so they don’t have to return to their abusers), augmenting and protecting victims rights, and rape prevention/sexual education. As far as the political agenda for black women, I’ll follow the lead of the black women who author that movement.
Finally, there is absolutely NOTHING worng or abnormal for the desire to see black girls grow up in a world where they haven’t been relegated to 4th class chattle.
Hi,
I’m new here but I agree with what you say. I am not what people would call “nice” though. I’ve gone to college for Mech Engineering, worked as a SW developer at MS, dressed NICE at clubs, written non-misogynist raps (www.soundclick.com/cstyle), etc. but the peopel in Brooklyn look at me like I’m trying to sabotage them by going beyond business casual.
I’m at the point where I will do what I can to get my sisters away from these bums. YES, BUMS. A bum is a guy who has the chance to do anything he wants – the government WILL provide you with redress – but he decides to emulate an illiterate BUM rapper or athlete.
I can say I’m not Mr. “Stand Around trying to convince people,” I’m the guy who says “just kill yourself if it’s that bad.” Admittedly I’ve had to press charges against companies but who said it’s easy? It’s not.
I just hate that these same BUMS will complain about white boys but white boys can’t wear bummy clothes to work either. Sure a lot of them are “centrist” – the term racist doesn’t apply anymore – but they can still be outdone for promotions – I do it all the time.
And as far as Buchanan’s crap about Affirmative Action, that was the best laugh I’ve had in MONTHS. I love that they think their being discriminated against. I’d actually like to sick a dog on them and skitter a few down the street with a fire hose – not really – just said for effect.
I just wish there was a forum where CENTRISTS compete with those they “hate.” If they lose they shut their mouths and improve their skills. I’m not worried as I have SW inventions, extended research on the Big Bang theory and other things I’m not at liberty to divulge.
I actually called out one centrist on YouTube and he did the usual deflecting and refused to have an open debate in public.
Anyway, SAY HELLO TO THE BIGGEST RADICAL – by your definition – ever to be born. I even learned how to wind like a Jamaican woman – not exactly – just so I could spend time with them doing something they love.
I’ll be around.
Now can somebody explain to me how this is radical, political, disruptive, presumptive, impossible, offensive and anything else other than NORMAL?
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Faith,
I’ll tell you what’s controversial about this. Why any black woman who broaches this subject matter is considered a heretic.
Because we’re (those of us outside the Matrix on a physical and/or emotional level) not busting our behinds trying to “save alla our people”.
We realize that “alla our people” don’t have OUR best interests as INDIVIDUAL BW in mind.
Plus, “alla our people” don’t WISH to be saved. And even if more did, it wouldn’t be our responsibility as BW to do it anyway.
We’re not Superwomen.
We only have a responsibility to ourselves and our children.
Remember, we’re (BW) still considered “community property” to a large extent in the “bc”.
According to many in the “bc” we’re supposed to have a Borg like fixation on all the wrongs done to us (the us usually referring to BM) by white society. And should therefor carry “the races” grievances with us like a badge of honor wherever we go.
And here’s the clincher, we’re supposed to forget or make excuses for the wrongs committed against us in the hear and now by damaged black men and women.
All to “keep the peace”. A “peace” that’s been SHATTERED for what 40 years now?
As long as the racism and misogyny is coming from within “the community” – and not from without -everything’s supposed to be hunky dory.SMH
Which is INSANE when you think about it. It’s WORSE when the hate is coming from within because it does MORE damage.
Remember Faith, many blacks have internalized the racist caricatures of African descended people.
At least those pertaining to black women.
The AA “community” either truly believes black women are inherently somehow “stronger” than other women and can take these constant hits, OR it just plain outright hates black women.
Sick either way.
I say this because NO other community on this planet expects it’s women to single handedly successfully raise boys to manhood.
Other communities raise their boys to be future husbands and fathers by teaching them how to respect their womenfolk.
And marriage – across the globe – is considered one of the most important, if not THE most important institutions there is.
It lays the foundation for society. It’s a civilizing agent. Without it, you eventually have CHAOS.
With a 70% single rate, and an over 70% OOW birthrate, this is obviously not being taught.
You see Faith,
In other working communities, there are positive incentives given to women that encourage them to want to stay within the group and be participating members.
POSITIVE, powerful, and necessary incentives such as safety, husbands, fathers for ones children, etc…
If women outside of the “bc” hold up their side of the bargain by getting educated (and that’s often not a requirement), being kind, keeping oneself together, being moral, etc…
Most are rewarded with the whole nine yards.
BUT if you’re a black woman in the “bc”, you can play by ALL the rules in the book, be beautiful, educated, a home owner, professional, you name it, have EVERYTHING in the WORLD going for yourself and STILL end up with the short end of the stick.
Or NO stick.
Or worse.
So… in order to “keep” BW within the group – seemingly for breeding purposes alone – guilt is used. A fixation on external attacks and injustices and history (slavery) is used. Shaming, and intimidation (and sometimes outright violence) is used. I could go on and on. Basically, POSITIVE incentives are NOT used because the BC has NO intention on providing them.
http://www.divorcereform.org/black.html
“Today the number of children born into a black marriage averages less than 0.9 children per marriage. “The birthrates of black married women have fallen so sharply that absent out-of-wedlock childbearing, the African American population would not only fail to reproduce itself, but would rapidly die off.”
BW are still being raised to jump through hoops for the “community” and BM, YET, the “community” and a growing majority of BM aren’t providing ANY payoff in the end.
Nothing.
If anything, it seems like the MORE sistas do, the LESS respect they receive at the end of the day from the “community”.
So to sum things up, masses of BW suddenly behaving normally would upset the apple cart.
To say the least!lol
The “bc” is simply not equipped to – OR interested in -preparing itself to be in the position of REWARDING BW who behave normally.
So… Since the “bc” doesn’t have the goods needed (high numbers of marriageable men, a healthy popular culture, safe neighborhoods in abundance, etc…)
It doesn’t want to hear about the desires.
It’s all a sick game to the “community” in the end.
Keep trying to convince BW that the Matrix is “real” and that reality (life outside the “bc”) is an illusion.
@Susan It sounds like you are more offended that you have been asked to account for solutions and present them at this forum since you would rather take aim at the messenger and ignore the message. Again, it’s a misdirection. We would LOVE to get your feedback on workable immediate deployable solutions since you claim sugar is more digestible than vinegar.
I’m asking pretty pretty please with sugar on top for YOUR ANSWERS.
What are you sugary solutions that we can use right now to resolve these issues that so concern you and what sweet accountability do you suggest will be adhered to once the people have been satiated?
Honey, i am not lazy for change i simply can NOT deal with this mess so I choose to not get involved.
I am a 20 year old black girl why the hell should i worry about shaniqua and pookie in the hood that is so far from my reality? white poeple don’t worry about the white trash in idaho.
They can shoot themselves in the ghetto rat nests they live in for all i care.
I ‘m being harsh but this is the cold truth.
I want to separate myself from them as much as possible.
Don’t you understand? By me getting involed i am associated with Them no matter what.
I choose NOT to be the almighty saviour ala black woman in charge – position.
It is NOT my job, again, it is NOT my job to save anyone but myself.
I have never been apart of the black community because i have never believed in it.
Ever.
When the shaniquas and the pookies of the false B.C were busy shouting ‘ i’m black and i’m proud’ i was just shaking my head. when shaniqua is pushing her stroller and looking as miserable as ever, i am shaking my head.
when i see young black boys ‘chatting up’ young naive black girls, i am shaking my head.
I CHOOSE to be passive. I choose it because that is the only way to live MY life the way I want it.
I WANT to be an individual. I want to be viewed as an individual.
I wont get what i want if i engage in conversations with dbr people and negative people in general.
If i associate with them i am a part of them.
Middle and upper class black people don’t WANT to be associated with lower class blacks because it wont lead them anywhere but down!
i am sorry and i feel sorry for the young black girls in the ghetto but they are not my problem. I have my own problems and i have to save myself first.
All i can do is advice them but most of them are lost cases and are doomed.
Many times i feel helpless and i know many black women do.
Sometimes by helping yourself you are helping others because actions speak louder than words.
What am i suppoes to do? when a dumb black woman with all her education and success chooses to mate and marry a dbr negroe , that is her business.
HER choice.
Black woman if there is one thing i would advice you,us, all, it would be to try to be your own individual because people already see you as one dimensional mammy/whore.
I would also advice black women to date out…..sigh, i have been doing that my whole life.
When will the majority of black women ever wake up?
I have lost hope and i now focuse on myself.
I don’t associate with black women with this mindset and i don’t asociate with dbr black men.
They are so messed up i don’t even touch on that subject, i rather live my own life and forget about them.
If i don’t see or hear them they don’t exist.
Simple.
The time for talk is over. Hand holding and head patting and leading a horse to water does not work with people who refuse to even admit there’s a problem or worse -those that are actively working against our good. Playing games, giving more time for things to continue falling apart does NOTHING to stem the tide and any suggestions to the contrary only add fuel to the fire. When the Titanic is sinking the last thing you should be doing is discussing how much compassion you have for those about to perish.
“It’s also to remind black women that they are not and should not be taking on the role of mother, father, breadwinner and superwoman solo.”
Gina, I have been an avid fan of your blog from day one. Your words rang true. Like they say some people can’t handle the truth. They like to pretend it’s not their fault their lives are in the position they are in now. I have a feeling now black woman are now in super defensive mode. It’s hard to look and the mirror to realize you could have done better if you’d decided to not make a mistake in your past.
Gina, keep up the good work. Don’t get discourage. We need black women like you to keep tackling these issues and our own beliefs as black women.
Faith, you said:
“Some are forgetting the point of the conversation is to ensure the lives of children are not being negatively impacted unnecessarily.”
EXACTLY. We know in gory detail the negative effect that fatherlessness has on sons.
Well, we now know that fatherlessness also has an extremely negative effect on daughters.
Absent Father Means Earlier Puberty In Girls
http://blogs.babiesonline.com/news/absent-father-means-earlier-puberty-in-girls/
Early Puberty: The Dad Effect
http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200901_omag_puberty
Without Dad Little girls grow up too fast
http://www.menstruation.com.au/contributors/withoutdad.html
You know what’s really radical? How about black women(hell, all women) ditch this “I-Need-A-Man-To-Help-Me” compulsory heterosexuality and practice some good-ole natural pansexuality without caring about the sex or gender of their partner. Instead of searching for the right MAN to help take care of the kids, how about looking for the right PERSON. Show the young womenfolk that you don’t need a man to satisfy you financially, sexually, and emotionally and that you do not have to conform to stiff sexual norms to be accepted. That’s a radical idea all right…
…it sounds like a good idea to me…
Gina says:
“…For all of those unpleasantries we DO have black men who provide, protect, befriend and behave. They’re just lost in the sea of perpetual insanity. “
Another observation….Men who DO provide, protect, befriend and behave have no objections to women who speak out about the men who DO NOT….Because these pieces of men make GOOD MEN look bad… They may not come on these forums to gab like we do, but nonetheless GOOD MEN are NOT ‘predator protectionists’ …
Predator Protectionists wish that us wimmen would just shuddup about bashing those men who fall short…I have had a few GOOD BLACK MEN outright tell me to avoid the DBR’s crawling around in this day and age…And it was not put to me quite that nicely (I’ll allow the reader to use their imaginations)…They’ve also expressed shame (another GOOD MAN trait when the situation warrants it) ,
for what a majority of men in the “Black Community” have allowed themselves to become…The GOOD MEN of any race have no interest in sticking up for (as my husband calls ‘em) dirtbags…And there is no NICE way of telling the ugly truth unfortunately…
*DERAILMENT ALERT: Anyone who wants the messenger to constantly sugarcoat things are living in fantasyland….Serious folk DO NOT need their ears tickled in order to mobilize!
Maridjata: That could very well be an option for some women but since we’re talking about a majority of black women we’re operating from the base being heterosexual. I am by no means dismissing orientation or gender identity or other choices that works in the interest of the individual woman. Let’s not try to sell other lifestyle choices as freeing when we’re trying to disentangle many from disordered thinking to begin with. We are also advocating monogamous relationships because that’s what the standard is (in theory) for all other groups in society. Anyone who isn’t adhering to this is considered “fringe” or other things. See my note at the beginning of my post. The “BEST” life.
I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don’t know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.
Deborah
http://maternitymotherhood.net
Okee…Gina is on vacation…I meant to say “Faith Says…”
Damn I love this blog. Excellent discussion, Faith! I missed your fist week at WAOD…I’m going back to archives to catch up on what I missed.
Quote: “You know what’s really radical? How about black women(hell, all women) ditch this “I-Need-A-Man-To-Help-Me” compulsory heterosexuality and practice some good-ole natural pansexuality without caring about the sex or gender of their partner.”
One hardly knows what to say…compulsory heterosexuality?
Is this a comment meant for this article or another one I overlooked? Or maybe this was just a momentary lapse into…can’t we just all sleep together…I mean “get along.
Shucks, I wonder if that isn’t a part of our problem.
Perhaps, gay or straight, we haven’t paid close enough attention to what we were getting into, before we dropped the panties. One night stands turned into, single woman trying to raise a family alone on one pay check.
In fact, maybe “S” in a strange way, may be a little closer to what reality should be (at least for 20 year olds). If we could raise our sons and daughters to 1) stay away from Mari-Djata (just kidding…I think); and 2) to be somewhat more selfish…in a good way.
Sex outside of a committed relationship (marriage for most of us) has not be good for us. It’s brought unintended consequences…stds, unintended pregnancies, unhealthy entanglements, children without the benefit of two parents, lower family incomes, etc.. etc..
Let’s be a little selfish…and expect a little more “for” ourselves. I think that would be radical.
YME
For one… my post was said half in jest.
For two… if you think that selfishness conquers all, maybe it is you who we need to guard from our children. When you say we need to become more selfish, what do you mean? Like a man who leaves his children for a better life while the mother has to struggle to make ends meet? Wow, that has worked marvelously for humanity and all we need is for more people to be that way. Maybe if we taught more people to be unselfish… wait, naw, that’s crazy talk.
…yeah… I’ll keep my “lets have sex with everybody” theory if yours is the alternative.
I knew I wasn’t the only black woman who wondered – why don’t I get treated like a queen? I wondered, why do I ALWAYS have to be strong, carry the weight on my freaking shoulders, buy a house, maintain the house, keep a job, etc. etc. What is wrong with ME that I don’t have value? You’re not radical. You woke up and said, damn, this kook-aid sponsored by the BC tastes nasty, and I don’t want to drink it anymore. It brings tears to my eyes to know, I’m not the only one.
Vinindy: Nope you’re not alone.
Oh LAWD! This is why I started this blog.
Vivindy, you are NOT alone. *Group Hug*
… now back to lurking mode. I did really good I almost went 48 hours. Let’s see if I can go 72 hours.
PREACH.
@ Vinindy – and if you have not already, you would be surprised at what you get when you demand what is readily offered to others.
It took me until after graduate school to assert myself in this manner. I didn’t wake up until then. But now that I have, I have not for a single moment regretted it.
Another excellent post! I am so glad you articulated this point:
Faith wrote: “When I speak of the “black community” lie I am talking about the dysfunction that has gone unchecked….”
“Perhaps, gay or straight, we haven’t paid close enough attention to what we were getting into, before we dropped the panties. One night stands turned into, single woman trying to raise a family alone on one pay check.”
Way back in the days, this was called “common sense.”
Now it has become “radical” to believe that in life, we are subject to the choices that we make: both POSITIVE and NEGATIVE.
“Instead of searching for the right MAN to help take care of the kids, how about looking for the right PERSON. Show the young womenfolk that you don’t need a man to satisfy you financially, sexually, and emotionally and that you do not have to conform to stiff sexual norms to be accepted. That’s a radical idea all right…”
But what kind of boys do we raise in an environment where their gender is irrelevant?
Don’t these boys become the same weak men that we complain about?
@Vinidy, girl you’re not the only one who woke up.
For one thing the cries echoed in response to previous posts about Cinderella being a negative thing for women always seemed suspect first time I heard them. Like crying because there is fat on your steak. Smart women know a good thing when they see it and act like they know. Foolish women bought the bill of goods being sold by foolish folks who want to keep a good thing to themselves. BW collectively need to do what is in their own best interests. It amazes me that so many folks are set on self destruction and telling themselves and others that nothing it wrong – it bends the brain to listen to such silliness. This blog is a much needed wake up call for some and a reaffirmation of reality for the weary when too much stupid is encountered.
Granted I was raised by parents to treat everyone fairly and as I would like to be treated and hold people accountable for their actions especially as related to how they treat me. Not raised to be disrespect , used abused or mistreated by anyone – that means I can not and do not disrespect myself by remaining silent or in situations or circumstances that are not in my best interest – regardless as to the situation or circumstance I find all this BC nonsense a waste of time.
It is not my job to save folks who do not want to be saved. Saving the world – has been done in every religious tradition known to humans over the course of time and humans have not learned a thing especially in the collective BC and is done routinely on 24
every week and is proven to be self destructive and thankless.
It is past time trying to fix what is broken and move on to what works. Thank you for the reminder that it is not me it is ‘them’ Kook aid swilling, self serving, self destructing folks that are out of order – they are just that into themselves that they are self destructive and toxic with every exposure to the craziness.
@Wanda
Thank you for pointing out the obvious…We cannot have it BOTH ways & down THE MIDDLE : )
@Mari-Djata – I figured your post had a little jesting in it.
But, I stand behind my selfishness. What do you think about this? What about a different perspective? For instance, I think young men should be selfish in a different way. Be selfish, in that you want to be connected to your children forever…and since you don’t ever want to be in a home AWAY from your children, you have to be careful. You can take the risk of impregnating a girl that you may not be with two years or six months from now. You can’t deposit children with every willing female. Because now, you’ll never be able to fully participate in their lives.
For young women, be a little more selfish. You’re better than to be someone’s sex on the side. Your standards are higher because you recognize that you have needs that you want to have met, and you realize that being overly free with your favors is a losing proposition.
Be so selfish, that if you can’t wait for marriage, you can walk away if he looks like his feelings are hurt because you believe in protection.
I guess I meant, perhaps we have to teach our kids to look out for number one in a positive way…not in a negative way. Kind of like, if you can’t really love and care for yourself…how can you love and care for someone else? I think perhaps what we’re seeing is a lack of true self-preservation. If I truly love me…I must learn to protect me in healthy ways.
Not every young man leaves a child on every doorstep. Some of these young guys have figured out that they don’t want to live this lifestyle. There’s a new statistic out that suggests that the increase in out of wedlock babies isn’t among younger girls and women,…but rather in women ages 25 – 35. There are still young women, going to college, getting educated, and not beginning their adult lives with children. I think some of them have made a decision not to live a certain lifestyle. They want to start their lives differently. I’m just thinking maybe that’s what we should encourage. Love yourself and maybe the person you eventually hook up with will be better off.
Gates was right. It happens to anyone where a bully can get away with it.
@angie who was the bully? Gates or Crowley? I find it amazing how Black people completely ignore CLASS and GENDER.
In a clash of egos, the onw with the badge and a gun will usually win. Which is why smart Black folks know to let the officer go on his merry way THEN light up the phones.
No, Gates was NOT right to follow a police officer an encroach on the officer’s personal space in anyway. THAT message needs to go out to Black folks everywhere. Every Black Mama needs to teach her child NOT to do what Gates did. Because TRUST that anyone other than Gates would have ended up missing a tooth.
Nobody is yelling and screaming about the Black mother in South Carolina who is being charged with TWO FELONIES because her son is 555 lbs. She may be a crappy parent, but in most cases, these parents get charged with misdemeanors.
Yme wrote: “Perhaps, gay or straight, we haven’t paid close enough attention to what we were getting into, before we dropped the panties.”
Damn straight (no pun intended). Because you’d better believe you’ll encounter as many Damaged Beyond Repair gay black folk as you will heterosexual. Want a real challenge? Try having a relationship with a gay black person burdened by both homosexual and racial self-hate. Add religiously-conflicted to that and you’d better just run!
gem2001 wrote: “…who was the bully? Gates or Crowley?”
Exactly! I am weary of black folk acting like respecting authority is an affront to our racial dignity. Have a conversation with some of these black police officers in DC and MD and ask them the demographical characteristics of their most combative and belligerent apprehensions. But racial profiling aside (and I don’t believe the Gates situation is a case of racial profiling, by the way), it’s also “acting stupidly” (to quote our President) to provoke someone with a gun. That’s just basic.
Well, what I am finding is a major impediment to Black female empowerment so we can make better lives for our little Black girls is this sentiment that “There is a problem, but there is no problem”. To whit, if a Black female discusses the REALITY of how the Black female is hated by Black males, she will be shouted down as “Hating Black men”, which will be followed by a chorus of “Not ALL Black men are bad, blah, blah, blah….”.
People, let’s get serious. Either you think there is a problem or you do not, PERIOD. If you think there is no problem, then you are NOT serious about helping Black women and girls, PERIOD, END OF STORY.