I don’t actually read ESSENCE magazine other than the one “investigative” story they have at the back of each issue on page 567. This month they did an excellent piece on domestic violence Called Our Secret Pain. It was written by Robin D. Stone. It included first hand accounts from Black women from every educational, geographic, and generational background about how they escaped abusive relationships. One of the women was a social worker. The other was 14 when she caught the eye of an 18 year old lunatic who later shot her int he foot and dragged her and their baby all over town.
Peppered through out a couple of the stories were anecdotes about the increasing cycle of violence notably, the way the abuser begins the cycle with verbal abuse and isolation. Insults, debasing words etc. it was a good article and normally I would have thrown the whole magazine in a pile in the corner. I must have needed a mind break so I thumbed through the rest of the magazine. Its the first time I’ve read something on pages 1-120 in a minute. Why? because the first 100 pages are full of advice I would never take.
Now the cover promises to reveal hot spots to meet men. On page 76 in the “dating guide” section Charrea Jackson and Neima Jordan wrote an article called “10 Places to Meet Black Men: There’s Nothing Wrong With Hunting For Happiness” Here are their suggestions:
1. Home Improvement Class
2. Community Service
3. A Little League baseball Game . Readers are instructed to “check out the coach or the single dads between innings”
4. The Gym
5. Go to a Strip Club
6. Join a political campaign
****screech**** let’s head back to #5 did they suggest that Black women go to strip clubs to meet men? No, they couldn’t have said that. Uh uh not ESSENCE. Not the folks who lead the “Take Back the Music” campaign. Not Susan Taylor’s “In the Spirit” ESSENCE. Nah that must be a typo. They didn’t just list the SKRIP club as a place to meet Black men.
Not only do they list the SKRIP club as a place to meet Black men, but they try to chide those of us who find the suggestion ri dayum diculous.
“Just hear us out: Some city strip clubs have evolved into sexy social scenes. “I’ve encountered plenty of attractive, straight, and single men at strip clubs.” Says Zenitra Perry, 26 a sales executive in New York City. With seminude women walking around everyone’s guard is down. Go ahead and send a drink to the Idris Elba look-alike at the bar” Charreah Jackson and Niema Jordan, Essence magazine June 2009, page 76
I mean this with all seriousness Charreah and Niema… Have y’all been huffing glue? I’m serious. Did you have a skiing accident a few months ago and suffer blunt force trauma to the cerebral cortex, because a deprivation of oxygen to the brain could be the only explanation for why and sane Black woman would direct another Black woman torun around buying drinks for Black men in the skrip club. How many men have y’all picked up in the strip club and how did that work out for y’all?
First of all, strip clubs don’t EVOLVE! The whole concept of skrip clubs is DE-Evolution. Its a place where human beings, women, are treated like animals. No brain, no heart, no emotions, just objects dancing around.
Second of all, aren’t you inviting Black women to PIMP out other Black women. “With semi-nude women walking around, everyone’s guard is down.” -Its not that woman’s job to get my guard down so that I will have the courage to send some man a drank. If you can’t have a conversation without another Black woman having to skrip to “relax” your “prey”, then you have bigger issues than “man hunting”.
Third, if you meet this man in a strip club, explain to me how exactly you are going to have any boundaries in this relationship? You met him at a strip club! You prepared to go to the strip club for Valentine’s Day? What about your anniversary? Birthday? Why not? That’s where you met him. Imagine the wedding reception when you talk about the first date “I met my wife while I was getting a lap dance at Sugas” Oh How freaking romantic.”Daddy, how did you meet mommy?”
Fourth, I would suspect, and Black men PLEASE correct me if I am wrong, that a Black men still engage in compartmentalization where they place women in relationship categories. I’m going to take a leap of faith that they aren’t going to place the woman sending them drinks at the strip club in the “long term relationship” compartment.
Fifth, they didn’t got to the strip club to see YOU! At least not the sane ones.
WHy doesn’t ESSENCE just stop playing around. If the only standard for a great place to meet a Black man is a place where men gather, then why not just suggest that your readers hang right outside the entrance to the county lockup on Friday nights. Instead of buying men drinks, why not bring some bail money with you. I can guarantee he’ll call you back or you can just show up for his court date.
Later in the week, I hope to make the case for why ESSENCE should have replaced Jennifer Hudson on the cover of the June issue with the “Anonymous” Author of “Gambling With Herpes” on page 82.
“Sometimes my girlfriend would want sex when I was having an outbreak. I couldn’t arouse any suspicion by saying no so I would have sex with my boxers on to conceal where the blisters were located.” Anonymous, Page 82 June 2009 Issue of ESSENCE
ESSENCE would be doing Black women a great service by plastering this parasite’s photo on the cover so that every Black woman in America would know to avoid this selfish $)(&@(&$ like the plague… LITERALLY!
My final post in this series will cover The Body Shop on page 110, its definitive proof that they have lost their natural minds.
I would think Black men should be marching on ESSENCE headquarters right now because as gullible and stupid as they portray women in the June issue, they make y’all look a WHOLE LOT WORSE… to sane women anyway.”Where Black Women Come First..NOT”
93 comments ↓
Okay, this is what they call in mental health, an overt act. Obviously these people need to be locked up for the safety of themselves and others.
I feel like I started this by asking what you didn’t like about it on Twitter. LOL. But I think it is important that we critically examine black media and what they are feeding us instead of just passively inhaling it. The article about “self”-improvement really made me just whoa. Nothing about what males should do to improve in the bedroom. Only women. Ugh.
Some women do go to strip clubs with their boyfriend/husband, but meeting them there- no ma’am. Were these women looking for a relationship or a hook up? A lot of women these days don’t know the difference.
There are upscale strip clubs but I doubt that there are many BM there, don’t most BM go to the hood clubs where the black girls are performing. I am just saying if a BM is in one of those exspensive strip clubs looking at blonds, than maybe he is not into BW like that?
And whats up with going to the baseball game looking for single fathers, not all women want men with children.
I don’t expect much from Essence, isn’t it just like Glamour? I don’t read that one either.
I just haven’t taken Essence seriously since I became an adult with some commons sense. They will have an article about saving money, and home foreclosure and have $1,200 boots advertised on the next page.
Oh boy. I don’t really read the magazine either: their Desperately Seeking Any Black Male With a Pulse emphasis is aggravating. I’d have respect for them if they dropped the black male emphasis, and focused on finding a worthy, decent and quality man (of any race) who will love bw as they are.
However, I did skim-read the DM article. I’m not surprised that bw don’t get the hint even when a guy starts sneaking in insults from the get-go. I don’t buy it that he’s abusive after a honeymoon or a couple of months later. It’s always there from the beginning. I understand how it can be missed, because bw really want to give the guy a chance, the attraction is strong, and they don’t want to be viewed as being hyper-sensitive, “mean” or picky.
Even personal cracks and jokes are an expression of hostility. It will always start with verbal insults, because he’s testing what he can get away with. Once he’s gotten the green light that the comments are effective, he’ll move on to “love taps.”
As for waiting outside of county lockup, years ago Essence had a round table with a couple of geniuses and one of them did mention giving bm from jail a chance. Don’t think they haven’t gone there, and Susan Taylor was the chief at that time.
Words have power, but I think we, as bw, have been specifically socially conditioned and trained to treat put-downs, mean jokes, denigrating, hostile and nasty comments and treatment as non-serious. The propaganda has been blasting at us for the last 20+ years in black entertainment and is now mainstream.
Essence is after the a younger demographic now hence the ’sexy, edgy’ advice. But that demographic that their advertisers want is still somewhat well off and conservative. Apparently ’strip club’ was their compromise. It reaffirms gender norms while seemingly new and innovative. Think Beyonce saying that she’s empowered and progressive, while crawling on all fours ‘catering to her man.’
Thank God I do not allow Essence in my home, but I read the magazine while studying in the public library. I saw the list, too and almost lost my mind. My daughter’s Seventeen magazine had a better story about domestic violence that Essence and gives better dating advice. Dang, are black women this desparate? Why any woman want to talk to a man who is busy throwing dollars at a woman shaking her behind in his face?
Essence is a die hard ‘any kind of black man will do’ publication. I shake my head and laugh out loud at the what the black men are thinking section.
I’m not surprised by this afterall Time, Inc. owns Essence. I’m sure the folks at Time, Inc. don’t give a hoot about Black women, they’re just in it for the ad dollars. So whatever they think will sell without actually empowering Black women is what will be in Essence.
And the Black people that work at Essence; I put them in the same catagory as the Black people that work at BET.
I cringed when I read that point about meeting men at the strip club a few days ago, too! Then again at twenty-six years old girlfriend is in the Peter Pan syndrome.
I’ve notice Essence has lost their wholesomeness along time ago. I always questioned the single bachelors they featured looking for love and their sincerity for black women. I believe 85% of those jokers could give a rats butt about bw.
As far as burning the issue goes make sure you rip out the article on the Soul Singer MAXWELL first then you can burn the rest. I did see that bullshit on where to meet black men. I was appalled.
I crack up that they keep having these ‘Available Black Men’ issues with Tyler Perry on the cover. They had Shemar Moore in it as well. There are photos of Shemar Moore running naked on a gay beach. If that doesn’t keep him from being featured in an ‘available black men’ issue, I can’t imagine why they haven’t done a ‘The Brothas on Lock-down’ issue as well. They are beyond pathetic. They got on my nerves even when Susan Taylor was there, now they don’t even have a veneer of social conscience or respectability.
Essence has been a joke since the nineties. Every article on “man catchin’” has been lame, uninformed, “hootchie oriented” and useless.
They are also usually self-contradictory as well. For once, they forgot to list houses of worship as a place to meet men.
Monie is EXACTLY right about the types of blacks working for Essence.
Tima and time I read of or experience the degrading methods of Black women by people or media that should be on our side. The strip club advice is foolish…as are several of the other suggestions in that article.
It’s a shame that this magazine and others (Ebony/JET/Black Women) continue to degrade us and simplify our importance. I don’t know what the answer is. At the very least I can keep my hard earned money and not purchase these magazines.
I usually bring a book to the salon when I’m getting my hair done, but sometimes I do flip through the pages of the magazine. It’s just a bunch of foolishness now. Essence used to be my magazine but that was like twenty years ago.
I also used to like their television show.
There was a time when ESSENCE was a quality magazine. I was glad that it was a cut above the other magazines like Cosmopolitan, because you rarely saw articles in there like ‘How to satisfy your man’ and ‘What he is thinking as you back that thing up’
Now, it is no different than the rest. it is a piece of trash magazine and I haven’t read it since the late 90s.
I really, really didn’t think it could get worse. Have they started accepting penpal emails from 54389-x Folsom yet?
Essence has always encouraged black women to degrade themselves by encouraging desperation. The DV article is utterly undercut by #5*.
At least they left The Chetch out. That’s not where you meet men. It’s how they get laid.
*Grown folks in a CONSENSUAL reciprocal relationship can do whatever.
Does either one of these women have a man?? If so, did she meet them at a strip club.
I did not read the article. I only read the interview with Jennifer Hudson. She was the only reason I purchased this particular issue.
I hate pornography whether it is in the club, on video or in magazine. It is debasing to the soul and degrading to women.
Sidebar: Wasn’t there an article about how to make a man say your name during sex?
http://blackgirllonghair.blogspot.com/2009/04/do-us-right-essence-and-any-other.html
they also had a recent article advising black women with natural hair to shampoo 3x and not use conditioner
SABOTAGE!
“Sidebar: Wasn’t there an article about how to make a man say your name during sex?”
OH yes, that’s going to be the finale in the series about this psychological warfare being waged on Black women. FOOLISHNESS!
I do not read Essence. I just don’t….
On the same subject of the attempted mainstreaming of dysfunctional and devolving behavior, I just read on Huffington Post that Lifetime Network has greenlighted Sherri Shepherd’s sitcom. I sincerely hope this is not the same sitcom she had been pitching to Lifetime based partly on her life story where she plays a single mother who takes her husband back after he has an affair in which he fathers a child and she lets the husband, his other woman and the child move in with her. I understand that part of this storyline is factual for Sherri’s life, but that is insufficient justification for attempting to mainstream this mess. This type of scenario is more likely to bring on domestic violence and child abuse than happiness. I am disappointed in both Sherri and Lifetime for wanting to expose their audience to this mess.
@Sandra
Yeah, that’s what Sherri’s show is going to be about. I’m not disappointed in Sherri, not after she was in that film “Whose your caddy?”. This is the kind of stuff I expect from her. I’m more surprised at Lifetime. Do they think women want to see that crap?
Anyway it seems that Sherri Shepherd and Monique are keeping the stupid/ dysfunctional Black woman stereotype alive and well. Note they are both in the film ‘Precious’, based on the book PUSH which is being promoted by Tyler (the Black woman hater) Perry and Oprah (never miss an opportunity to show Black people as downtrodden) Winfrey.
Well AlrightyThen!!
essence has never been one of my fav’s–i’ve meet s. taylor years ago when she was running it–and didn’t care for her at all. stopped buying/reading them back in the 80’s.
Are these writers smoking meth and crack?
typer perry on the cover and shamar?? who didn’t know they are gay?
yes they may be eligable–but not looking for females!
“stand outside county lockup”=lololo
gina that is a mouthfull right there–and i know some woman is gonna say-what’s wrong with that?
and the herpes article!! WHA!! i agree–put is mug on the cover and educate some women who just don’t get it!
Nasty! just Nasty!
AND is this sherri the one on the view? i dont’ know her last name.
GUURRLLLLL that is not funny to me! let him move back in with his other woman, and her child by him!!??
Wha in the name of common sense!!?
and again it is proved, that common sense is not common!!
did she really do this is her life? sad , very sad, but then again she said she never thought about the earth being round–somethinglike that she said on live tv!
the strip club….sigh…
i’m not looking for a man–but i would never tell any of my straight single female friends to go to Any of the places they suggested!
So women are suppose to just disregard all their integrity and self-respect , self-love to get some fool that hangs out at strip clubs because he may be single? Who would want those men except the women they go home to?
and not all-but A LOT of community service events are for criminals! better check into Who is doing the community service and why before handing out phone #’s.
and i’m not in the loop–but women going to strip clubs with their bf’s and husbands is not cool at all!
what is the point to this!? i mean, how does a man con his partner into doing this and for what purpose? His!
Lord Have Mercy !
Such mental bondage–slavery in 2009!
the single men with children -when you see them – they may not have physical custody of them and may be using their visitation times to be part of the childs life at his sporting events.
not sure how many men there are that don’t have children that are mature enough to date. many (not all) start making them in high school.
there are a lot of decent avaliable men that have children. I guess i see nothing wrong with that.
And i’ve heard men say they don’t want a woman that already has children–that’s not right.
that they would not even consider a woman who has children …
there are going to be a lot of single, lonely people around if people keep these kinds of lists.
I canceled my subscription to Essence magazine over 2 years ago, after having been a 7 year subscriber. I just got tired of reading the same damn articles over and over again, and seeing the same faces.
But this foolishness will guarantee that I no longer even pick up the magazine and contemplate buying it in the stores ever again.
Go to a strip club and send a man a drink. You know, if I didn’t know of women desperate enough to try this, it would be hilarious as it almost reads like satire.
Perhaps Essence is in collusion with a group of strip joint owners. Because I know if I were a man patronizing a strip club and some woman were to send me a drink, I’m thinking two words: Easy P___Y. I imagine that most men see women in strip clubs, whether on stage or not, as semen receptacles, not potential spouses.
Ms. McCauley,
You’re hilarious. I’m glad you could distract me with laughter in order to keep me from crying about the pathetic state of Essence Magazine. Angela Burt-Murray should be ashamed of herself.
reminds me of an old Saturday Night Live skit…
“…..lowered expectations……”
dayum dayum dayum…
Essence are you BET?
Is the Essence staff smoking peyote?
I can’t believe it but I will not read Essence ever again..just feeding black women foolishness over and over and calling it black journalism..
Thanks Gina for posting this!
I’ll add my 0.2 cents as a black dude:
I’ve never been to a strip club and I have no intentions of ever going to one. Why this magazine directs women to a strip club is beyond me. That said, people are free to go socialize wherever they want to. However, if the dude you meet in the strip club turns out to be a bad deal, please don’t black all black guys for that. It just doesn’t work that way folks.
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1. There’s nothing wrong with making a man say your name during sex.
2. While i don’t know if I’d meet a man at the strip club
I do
a. Go to strip clubs and
b. Have gone to a strip club on a date
c. Have and will go the strip club with my boyfriend
Gosh…I also watch porn.
Have you ever been to a strip club Gina…or to anyone else who are having hissy fits about the whole suggestion…
If you haven’t then you know that strip clubs are like hotels…you have your 1 star joint and your 5 star joints and while I don’t recommend anyone sending a man a drink in any setting…depending on the club you’re at you probably could meet somebody and yes it could be a long term relationship.
Unlike most here I know from expereince not just guess-a-mating.
If strip clubs aren’t your thing that’s fine. I am definitely NOT suggesting they have to be, but many are like clubs or nice restaurant/lounge type settings so you can go have a good time and yes meet some men.
It may not be a politically correct thing to say, but i wouldn’t call it bad advice either.
@jj I haven’t been to Riker’s Island either, but I still wouldn’t put that on my list of suggested places to send over a drink to meet men. Gurl Stop!
lol@ the Rikers island comment.
Like I said it doesn’t have to be your thing…
I was recently in a “high end” skrip club with potential clients who wanted to end the evening there. Needless to say I was the only women in the group of about eight men but I tagged along not wanting to miss any bit of info.
I don’t find skrip clubs appealing. That includes the so called “best adult entertainment venue” on the East Coast that i ventured into. The leather banquettes, Kobe steaks and aged whiskey didn’t give it a feel of glamour …just made it more expensive.
And the girls looked, BORED, bored and bored.
How could someone believe that it would be a good place to meet men…in a venue where the job of the women there is to manipulate men into spending as much money as possible?
Yet I do like burlesque and some erotica. I do like the idea of looking at beautiful bodies. I don’t find the concept of watching zoned out zombies gyrate around me. I would not want someone writhing around on my lap if I knew that had to ingest copious amounts of alcohol and drugs to stomach it.
The women are there dancing because they need the money. The men have the money so they have control over the bodies of these women.
But I do like Dita Von Teese and Brown Girls Burlesque.
And I do understand SOME women are comfortable with their “adult entertainment” jobs. I think those women are few in number….very few.
And I don’t suggest sending a man a drink in ANY setting…
I’ve been to strip clubs more than a few times. I did my undergraduate thesis on women in the sex trade. I also had plenty of clients who were strippers when I was a social worker. Most recently I went to one when I was doing research on my most recent book. Bottom line is, I wouldn’t want to touch, let alone date anyone who hangs out in strip clubs, just ewww.
When ISN’T it appropriate to burn Essence? I don’t think anyone but bamma chicks and 18 year olds read that rag.
Although it’s desired for adults to be there and make adult decisions, this is not always the case.
A visit to the club on any regular basis shows some sign of ‘hidden’ problems…
I guess a women that frequents this scene with her s/o perhaps thinks she can ‘keep’ him by doing this or the other waste of time theory, ’she can change him.
No matter what, it’s crazy to try to pick up a date in this environment and crazier to think that a lasting, monagamous, respectful relationship will result.
Wow. I thought their suggestion to go see that Mos Def I’m a criminal comedy movie was bad. That was last month’s issue with Michelle & her Momma on the cover. My subscription just lapsed. They really do hate Black women don’t they?
I went to college with Angela Burt (maiden name) at Hampton. She was a pollyanna then and catered to black males anyway. She is married to a black male too. She won’t stick her neck out for anything especially black women.
@sistrunkqueen what does being married to a Black man have to do with this discussion?
what does being married to a Black man have to do with this discussion?
Just a fact
I am surprise you could get through all the adverts to get to any articles firstly. I always find Essence articles dissapointing, blaze a really interesting person on the front cover then the article is small and uninteresting. I think this magazine needs a jump start.
I have watched the steady decline of Essence. It used to be an empowering magazine, now it just seems to cater to what they imagine are BW’s insecurities. Not all Black women are obsessed with finding a Black man. We all are not desperate to get a man and will do anything to get one. As for being an Essence subscriber, I look at the makeup and fashion tips. The parenting column is helpful, but other than that, there is nothing very meaningful I get out of it. It’s articles like this that make me not take the magazine as seriously anymore. It was a gift subscription anyway…
Essence is late to the party. Whitegirls have been trying to get men by going to strip clubs for years now. (Doesn’t work in that case either).
Essence is latching on to the meme that hip modern women express sexuality in male-oriented ways in male-oriented environments. So you have ladies going to stripclubs in groups (and giving the girls nothing, or very little) directly competing with the dancers for male gaze. On top of which, the presence of women who aren’t ‘working girls’ or madams (the cocktail waitresses) inhibits the men from spending money on the girls. So everyone loses. The skrippas are unhappy and poorer, the civilian women are nervous and ultimately upset at not getting enough male attention, and the men are unhappy at the intrusion into their space by ’sex-positive’ ladies.
It is a great myth among sex-positive folk that if only it were more socially acceptable for women to consume sexual services, sex-workers would be twice as rich. or something. what actually happens is that everyone loses even more than they would have in a more traditional system.
Nevermind the racism in hiring for stripping at the expensive/good-earnings clubs and how black women are specially and uniquely demeaned in stripping and other sex-work, which would be a think-tank project all by itself.
Possibly in the coming years we will have a population of educated women that is large enough to support an alternative to Essence. I think Essence is what it is and it has its audience.
The articles are about a minute long and everything is dumbed down for mass consumption.
I know Honey tried to be an alternative but it died, then there is Heart and Soul. The larger (white) audience has many choices…..from Redbook to Cosmopolitan.
Now there are growing numbers of black women who are “Cosmopolitan”. I can say Essence doesn’t speak to me.
Yet, Essence is still the only place I see beautiful dark skinned black models in slick layouts.
“I’m going to take a leap of faith that they aren’t going to place the woman sending them drinks at the strip club in the “long term relationship” compartment.”
Speaking as a man who visited several clubs the last time he was back home in Atlanta, I really had to smile at #4. I was sent a drink; and I must say marriage or a long-term relationship was not the first thoughts that came to mind.
I had already lost respect for Essence for those ads that try to get black women into an Army where women sexually harassed, assaulted, raped, even killed and the top brass basically looks the other way. But suggesting that women find a man at a strip club is sickening. I got a better idea: Find the right man in advocacy, the struggle of black people to reclaim their communities and family again.
wannatwinkie wrote:
“dayum dayum dayum…
Essence are you BET?
Is the Essence staff smoking peyote?”
Essence’s powers-that-be (PTBs) suffer from a major ethical problem called hypocrisy. In a nutshell, they’ll shovel all the “Sex work is harmless” lines at Black women and girls, but wouldn’t dare expose their OWN daughters to this brainwashing crap.
So, like Gina, we must call the Essence PTBs on their evil rather than ignore it because they’re Black.
This is one of the reasons why I stopped reading Essence years ago. The sad thing is, some black women will be gullible enough to follow this nonsense.
Peace and blessings WAOD,
I look forward to reading your second essay.
You know…I remember growing up, and being told to not EVER take advice or make MAJOR life decisions from magazines like Essence, Teen, etc.
The only black magazine I subscribe to is Black Enterprise, because I feel their information is useful and positive.
Peace and blessings
How about Black women do what most people do when they see something offensive on television. Turn the channel. Just because one article doesn’t meet with your expectations, doesn’t mean the whole magazine isn’t worth reading. ESSENCE cant possibly be everything to every sister. Plus, what other magazine are you going to buy that speaks to our audience? Sister to Sister? Me thinks not.
Okay I’m convinced!
I just bought a subscription to Heart and Soul magazine.
Peace and Presidential Hair Grease!
“On the same subject of the attempted mainstreaming of dysfunctional and devolving behavior, I just read on Huffington Post that Lifetime Network has greenlighted Sherri Shepherd’s sitcom.”
You think that’s bad. BET is giving a reality show to the mother and sister of singer Keyshia Cole. The mother is an alcoholic prostitute who has had SEVEN children by SEVEN different men. The sister has THREE kids by THREE different men. They define the term “hot mess.”
“Positive” role-modeling for our young women courtesy of Debra Lee:
BET Announces New Reality Show Spin Off FRANKIE & NEFFE
NEW YORK, May 19 — This summer, BET will premiere FRANKIE AND NEFFE, a spin-off of the Network’s top-rated reality show KEYSHIA COLE: THE WAY IT IS, that intimately profiles the wildly entertaining mother and sister of R&B singer Keyshia Cole. The new reality series, premiering on Tuesday, August 25 at 10:00 p.m.*, chronicles the two as they strive to gain financial independence, while taking on the responsibilities of implementing and maintaining positive lifestyle changes, raising families, and handling the drama and men in their lives. Breaking away from R&B star Keyshia Cole proves to be more difficult than expected, and emotions run high, but BET viewers will be rooting for this captivating mother and daughter through it all.
In response to Betty Chambers:
Exactly! Just look at those dr. miracle commercials where the two black leads are constantly hurling insults at one another. I think there was another commercial where a girl had a pimple too and the “mean jokes” don’t stop there either.
Betty Chamber said:
Words have power, but I think we, as bw, have been specifically socially conditioned and trained to treat put-downs, mean jokes, denigrating, hostile and nasty comments and treatment as non-serious. The propaganda has been blasting at us for the last 20+ years in black entertainment and is now mainstream.
Scottsdale: unfortunately, I don’t find much to recommend in Essence, other than the clothes once in a while, and that’s not enough for me to justify spending my hard-earned money on this publication.
Wanda: the hits just keep on coming. I am really incensed at this. We’re going to get a full diet of this devolved mess, but there’s nothing like a Cosby Show to provide an effective counter to this “hot mess”. Why do they want to feed us this diet of crap?!
Well, allow me to reveal my age. I am old enough to remember the very first issue of Essence, May 1970; I still have that issue.
Many of you are correct, Essence’s quality has declined dramatically over the years; the articles are far too short for serious articles on domestic violence, women in jail, women’s health, etc. More articles on how to fry your hair than on to be healthy in every aspect of your life. It reads more as a pick-up joint instead of “the magazine for today’s Black women.” As a matter of fact, there came a time when I read Glamour and the other White women’s magazines to get their in-depth articles on health issues, especially legislation on women’s health issues, research, etc., and I read Essence . . . just because it was “our” magazine.
I also did not like the fact that they rarely have dark skinned sisters on the cover. I distinctly remember that Elle magazine had Sudanese model Alek Wek on the cover in 1997 and she was on the cover of Essence in 2001 or 2002.
So no, I don’t subscribe to Essence anymore, I stopped in 2003.
Lastly, regarding domestic violence, I’m a domestic violence advocate, and believe me, sometimes “signs” are there that you may not recognize, but in my work, we are increasingly seeing men who have become very clever in living a lie, with the violente side not seen until a year to two years into the relationship with no other obvious signs of violence. That means it’s more deadly, deliberate and calculating. Funny how the Essence Music Festival has become more popular over the years.
Okay, strip/skrip club as a potential spot to meet a mate being out of the question I get. What about meeting him at “Community Service” is that as in CS as a means of meeting the terms of a sentence?
Essence Mag was started by two well intentioned black men who were both married interracially. I often wondered if they felt the magazine was an homage to their mothers, sisters, roots or some sort of atonement.
Please don’t take that to mean I believe IR marriage is in some way wrong. Quite the opposite. If more black women would also broaden their horizons beyond “Nothin’ but a brotha” then perhaps they would not feel the need to resort to such desperate measures to meet an eligible man.
Explore ALL options ladies!
mod~it was just a way to get paid as it hadn’t been done before. Nothing more.
I think Essence is a cross between Glamour and Marie Clare. It’s a more substantive than Glamour, but has a homely aspect to it like Marie Clare. I think Essence is constantly confused about it’s audience and each month the magazine is completely different as a result. I’ve read great articles in Essence and some extremely dull, boring and outrageous ones as well. The strip club suggestions sounds like people trying to find a new way to spin and spice up a story they have been warming over for years. I see it all the time in woman’s magazines–trying to find new advice to give about guys and just filling up space with foolishness to complete the story. If bloggers can create new content daily, surely a fully staffed magazine can find new angles to love and relationship stories. I’m less annoyed by the strip club recommendation, than I am by the fact that woman’s magazines in general continue to give silly, anecdotal, vapid relationship advice instead of investing time in actual substantive love and relationship reporting than can truly be of value to their audience. Often what we end up with are tips that sound like they came from a 12 year old girl who dots her i’s with hearts.
Essence would rather advise you to find a man at a strip club then advise you to
try to open yourself up to dating non-black men.
I can hear the convo now:
Crazy Black Woman: Are you enjoying the show, can I buy you a drink?
Nut Job Black Man: Ummm, sure baby but can you make your booty clap like
Desireousness over there?
WOW Just WOW…. I got nothing else.
As a woman who’s been to a few strip clubs, they are not all dens of hell as they are being portrayed on here. There are decent ones where the women don’t look bored and the men aren’t salivating with lust to hump them. It’s like going to the club, except the people dancing are on stage. The men aren’t pawing at the women (I’ve never been to a place where men are allowed to touch.) The men paying for dances and the women dancing make a business like transaction. “It’s very would you like a dance?” “No, I’ll pass,” or “Yes, I will.” After the service is provided, money is exchanged. It’s about as thrilling as buying a latte at Starbucks. Before you knock it, try it. I thought I’d hate it too. Turns out, there are just a bunch of regular, everyday guys in there watching the women and the game, having a drink. The same guy you’d find in any bar. I quite like the strip club. You may too
I go with my girls and we have a great time.
Wisdomteachesme:
When I read community service, I didn’t think of an ex-inmate, I thought more along planting trees/flowers in a community garden or mentoring to children on a Saturday morning helping them read or something. Our beloved president encourages us all to make a difference in our communities by getting involved in community service. Heck, he did community service. Lots of it. Is he a criminal? I think jumping to that conclusion has to do more with negative thinking about Black men than anything negative in the suggestion.
Gina, I just read the article on sex. Is Essence’s Editor in Chief smoking crack?? Now I am a highly educated woman with “hood” tendencies, but they took it to a whole another level of hoodness. I thought I was reading an article written by a rapper. WT__??
Where is Susan Taylor when we need her??
Interesting. A magazine founded by two IR-married black men and the few articles they write about IR for black women are overwhelmingly negative. The absolute ringleader in the ‘nothing but a black man’ cabal. Why am I not surprised? I never quite trusted the magazine, primarily because I never trust anything that purports to give advice to black women, yet isn’t owned by black women.
Why must commenters bring up IR so much on this website latelty? Don’t they have other websites for that.
One thing should be pointed out again, strip clubs differ state to state and even within a state for clientale. I know in Virginia, dancers dance with bikinis on; in MA and TX there are plenty of nude strip joints. Again I doubt this is the place to meet a man with any intentions of making a long term relationship with another.
I still don’t get why a (heterosexual )woman would frequent this type of establishment with any degree of regularity. Baffling….
I know a lesbian costume designer who would make costumes for “skrippas”. The Spanish name sounds so much nicer “bailarinas exoticos”.
Anyway that is the only woman I know who had no problem visiting the strip club on the regular.
What felt wrong to me about the “meet a man in a strip club” suggestion was not that I believe men who go to strip clubs are disgusting and separate and apart from most men. It is an environment that breeds exploitation and therefore in my mind not a proper meet up place.
I notice few men replied because quite frankly most of them have been in the strip clubs more than they admit. Strip clubs and porn are billion dollar businesses so I would say the majority of men partake. So I will assume that is why the lovely ladies at Essence recommended strip clubs.
Just like I know a majority of men watch porn..it is like a previous poster said, I would not then recommend women hang out at the local Porn shop to meet men either.
I dont know why we are shocked that this mag would encourage Black Women to go to strip clubs to meet men. Its not owned by Blacks (Jewish owners) so what do you expect. As a black man I can tell you this is the last place for us to meet to repair the Black Family.. What a joke and We need to control our own press
there is obviously some serious forces that condone this bullshit in the executive of Essence and that there is a war being waged for the spirit and minds of our sistas..I consider myself a decent brotha and i know alot of em.
My real sistas out there know that a good brotha could be standing in your face and you wouldnt know it if you dont know what to look for. Since im solutions based..heres what i think you should be looking for as traits of a good black man:
1. God consciousness: im not talking about going to church every sunday as an act..im talking about a real belief in a higher power and that God is actively working with them everyday. Sistas dont get fooled by thinking this brother has to a Christian either. There are many bro out there of different faiths that are spiritually mature and are grounded enough to build something with someone of any faith as long as God is present in thier lives.
2. Loving with Relationship with moms: Mommas boys have been looked down on as some type of negative thing. But in order to spot a good brother..check his relationship with his mother — the first woman he developed a deep relationship with!! Is it disfunctional? Do they have healthy communication? Are there any psychological issues hes dealing with about how he was reaised by his mom (abandonment, abuse, neglect,etc.)? As the African proverb states: a man who dont love his own mother has no future”.
3. Identity, Developable skills and self esteem: We all know that if a brother dont love him self he aint gonna love you right either. With that said, a brother got to have a positive identity and that comes from knowing who you are. This is a hard one because alot of sistas have a problem with this one too. If the brother is not where he (not you) thinks he needs to be in life..is he trying to get there did he have a plan before you met him? or is he willing to work with you to put a plan together? What im saying is that knight in shining armor might be more like a brother in a broken down cutlass!! But what is he working toward? Does he feel like his life is getting better or does he feel stuck where hes at?? These questions are at the core of self determination, self esteem and worth. If he aint got it..you probably gonna have problems!
4. Relationship with kids: I put this down the list cause what ive noticed with my partners is that if they have the other traits above this one will be a no brainer. But it is still very important. Sistas dont think becuase a brother has children that hes a lost cause! There are alot of good women i know out there who became good women through learning in some bad relationships, marriages and have children. Well the same holds true for brothas too! Dont write him off cause he having baba mama drama..dont get involved either! but take a lil time to investigate the situation and find out what kind of relationship he has with children. Where is the drama coming from? Does he devote a responsible amount of his time resources and energy to taking care of his kids no matter what the situation? If he is a good man then baby mama is probably sure trying to keep him miserable and alone (ex:she dont want him but she want to make sure that dont nobody else get him either!! yall know what im talking about!!) After some investigation..you never know he might be worth the fight.
5. Thinking outside the box on gender, roles in a relationship: in order for a relationship to work nowadays..if a brother is not all hung up on who making the most money..tripping on being the biggest provider and is willing to be flexible on roles in the household — i have found brothas like this are easier to build functional relationships with. If hes focused on doing what hes good at and letting you do what your good at..then you might have something!!
Hope it helps someone..and brothers you should be looking for the same thing too!!
Well….given the fact that black women have such a hard time meeting and maintaining relationships….maybe the strip club isn’t such a bad idea!
crocc,
Please, let us STOP with this “brothers/brothas” usage in our (black Americans mostly) language.
I’ve got only two brothers, and I am not into incest. So, I shan’t be looking for a “brother” or a “brotha” to date/marry.
Naima,
What is wrong with mentioning in the comments to this post (or other posts here, where it is appropriate) the option for black [American] women to look outside of their race and/or nationality for a mate. There are quite a few black women who post here who are dating/married to non-black [American] men–I am one of them.
This world has about six billion people on it. Yet most of us (regardless of race), when it comes time to date, to marry, only look within a five block radius for a mate. Seriously, this narrow range of choice for a mate is what makes black women vulnerable to the silliness in the article that Essence magazine published–will probably continue to publish.
Essence isn’t the only magazine with the exotic dancer angle. In Atlanta magazine’s current issue, they list exotic dancer as a viable occupation here. This is a mainstream magazine here in Metro Atlanta. Also ask our Mayor’s daughter if meeting a man in strip club makes him husbnad material. She would know because she caught a drug case behind this bad advise. Ladies in Atlanta stay the heck out of strip clubs to meet men.
@redcat…
I absolutely agree with your last comments. Look for a good man and not just any ‘piece of a Black man’. There’s nothing wrong with engaging in a relationship with a man outside of your areas of familiarity. Many problems that some women have less to do with the race of their partner and more to do with their own baggage.
I was married for 20 years to a Black man; now I’m engaged to a white man. I’m living my life, enjoying it more each day and I have no regrets.
Meet and date whomever you want; just don’t settle for less to prevent being lonely. And don’t succumb to what others want you to do just because this decision is not for them.
Sigh.
Why is it every time dating and black women come up the IR enthusiasts come out the wood work, bashing black men and acting like white men are the best thing next to the messiah?
Look dating is real simple: date the men who are available to you…meaning if you’re a black woman who is lives/work in an all white environment you are a fool to say “only a black man for me.”
But the idea that white men are the answer to black women prayers is a joke. Intermariage rates are still really low for white men/black women pairings and if you’re making bad man choices with black men you will probably make them with white as well.
@ JJ
Who is bashing black men?
I would say when discussing dating and black women IRR always comes up because it is a viable option for the numerical imbalance between BM and BW.
The commenters saying BW are making bad choices in men always irritate me.
BW are choosing the men in their environments. It’s a sad joke of an idea that BW are turning down marriage proposals and hands in commitment from hard working, well employed BM to choose the recently released ex-con.
IRR is the only logical choice to counter there being 85 BM to every 100 available BW. That is certainly preferable to what we have now….10 BW sharing 1 BM.
As the woman quoted in the recent clip Gina posted noted. ..”If a man who was single and making minimum wage came to town, there would be at least 50 women who would want him”
Would those 50 women be making a “bad” choice…or the only choice.
Over the weekend I ran into a small grocery store to pick up a particular item. I was trying to avoid going to the supermarket because it was farther away and I didn’t have much time. Anyway, the small grocery store didn’t have the item I wanted, and I wasted about 10 minutes there roaming the aisles and waiting until a store employee confirmed that they were either out of the item or didn’t carry it – all this because I didn’t want to admit defeat or that I had made the wrong decision to go to a small store when I was looking for a specialty item. So much for the time I was trying to save. I ended up going to the supermarket, found the item I wanted on the shelf, picked up a few other items that I’d forgotten I’d needed/wanted (they were right in view – I didn’t have to go searching for them), and I was in and out of the supermarket in about 5 minutes. That’s why the subject of IR usually comes up when we discuss dating habits, challenges and consequences for black women. If you shop in a bigger store that carries a larger variety of groceries, it’s usually easier to find what you want, find it quickly, get a few extra items that weren’t originally on your shopping list, and get home – all in good time. The lines may be longer sometimes, but I’m willing to wait a little longer at the checkout to come out with what I want. And if they don’t have what I want, I can walk out of the supermarket, just like I walked out of the small grocery store.
I haven’t read Essence in awhile – at least 3 years – not for any political or controversial reason, it’s just that I haven’t really had the time. Thanks to this post, I now don’t have the interest. Essence should be ashamed, but I guess this is what happens when you’re bought out and watered down by “mainstream” companies.
Well….given the fact that black women have such a hard time meeting and maintaining relationships….maybe the strip club isn’t such a bad idea!
LOL – trOlls R riDicuLouS & funNy:
#71 LILO on 05.22.09 at 1:02 pm
Well….given the fact that black women have such a hard time meeting and maintaining relationships….maybe the strip club isn’t such a bad idea!
#80 PB on 05.27.09 at 3:05 am
Well….given the fact that black women have such a hard time meeting and maintaining relationships….maybe the strip club isn’t such a bad idea!
I can’t stand these “how to catch a man” articles featured in Essence – they teach black women how to sell out for less than a two-piece without the biscuit.
Meanwhile, Bobcat Bob Johnson is paying for legislation to tax radio stations to play black artists’ music; we’re losing whatever we had in terms of radio broadcasts, and Essence doesn’t have jack to say about all of this.
I knew when Time-Warner bought Essence that it was the end of that magazine as we knew it. And Ebony is a long running joke – neither publication provides substantive news or discussions of issues when John Johnson and crew founded them.
They have to be rolling over in their collective graves at the shyt their kids are doing to their legacies in the name of “getting paid”.
I’m just curious to know how many of you outraged folks support gay marriage. It’s all connected.
Clutch Magazine – http://www.clutchmagonline.com – check it out. The next better Essence in my opinion. Owned by a young proud beautiful black sista Dede.
I heard about this from Cobb blog.
This is absolutely reckless for a woman to tell another woman to visit a strip club. It is absolutely dangerous for women to be going there looking for men.
I wrote about this matter with a link back and also provided a real top 10 list for Black women to find real brothas…
Essence Magazine is disgusting and I do believe black women have just as much a right to choose a mate as black men do. Black men aren’t my only choice. I’m not even attracted to them any but I still would expect women to seek the best man black,white,Asian or even Indian and Arab.
Essence is telling black women that any ole black man will do. Such stupidity is sickening. My parents are both black and they would be offended by that Trash!
If you can’t have a conversation without another Black woman having to skrip to “relax” your “prey”, then you have bigger issues than “man hunting”.
You ain’t never lied. When you first said they were offering bad advice, the first four I kept thinking, it doesn’t sound all that bad. I really had to reread number five. I actually went to the bookstore and thumbed through a copy of Essence to find they they had the audacity to type that out. I asked my husband what would he do if he had a woman in a strip club buying him drinks (no he doesn’t go), he told me he would think they were prostitutes offering services. He couldn’t imagine a “regular” woman going in and hitting on him there.
If the only standard for a great place to meet a Black man is a place where men gather, then why not just suggest that your readers hang right outside the entrance to the county lockup on Friday nights. I
That will be in the July issue.
I do
a. Go to strip clubs and
b. Have gone to a strip club on a date
c. Have and will go the strip club with my boyfriend
I have to ask this. What kind of date are you on? Who are you dating? Seriously? What man is brave enough to say, “hey, instead of the boring movies tonight, let’s go to the Xstacy Club. I need to see Cristal dance tonight?” and what woman says “ok”.
As someone who has been to a strip club (dressing rooms, not as a patron) had a friend who worked as a waitress at a strip club and a friend who actually stripped her way through college, I can say that the women who typically go to strip clubs tend to be lesbians, or bisexuals, and those that go with their husbands are usually the type of women who themselves like women. You don’t go there as a woman just to hang out either. Even in the most upscale of strip clubs, men will proposition you. My friend was a waitress and men would treat her as if she was a plain hooker on the street, offering her money for all types of things. She wasn’t working at the boom boom shack either, but at one of the most upscale gentlemen establishments in the nation (yes there are people who rate these places).
I am just saying the men at those clubs typically aren’t looking for a long term relationship, and those that are into long term relationships, already have one.
————-
I’m just curious to know how many of you outraged folks support gay marriage. It’s all connected.
What does gay marriage have anything to do with meeting men in strip clubs?
After about 6 years of being a faithful subscriber, I put Essence to rest. It is no longer an uplifting and inspiring vehicle for black women. It’s articles are a overwhelmingly simple, and the dichotomy of the messages it was given was just plain hypocricy. It needs a new direction, but it won’t have my $48 a year to help it find one!
Because of my trip to the Essence Music Festival last year, they gave me a year’s subscription to the magazine. They’ve been sending me renewal letters for a while now because the subscription is up this month. No renewals here.
Miz JJ says:
“Nothing about what males should do to improve in the bedroom. Only women. Ugh.”
Why would an article speaking to men be in Essence magazine?
I wouldn’t be surprised that if Essence is playing with ya’lls minds…if only to garner some hits and traffic and see if folks are still reading their mag. Also, in fact some adult clubs ARE creating upscale environments where both genders can feel comfortable in the venue [and given the fact that genders are more open today with their own sexuality, gentlemen's clubs or even a gay strip club will continue to be fertile environment for like minded people]. And, while a case can always be made about exploitation, as long as there are dancers willing to ‘work’ at these clubs, ’skrip clubs’ will continue to exist. But, if you’re hyper conservative and tied to old paradigms, then it’s understandable that one would have strong objections at meeting a potential mate at an adult entertainment venue. For others who can think outside the box, they MAY find the unexpected.
Isn’t Essence the same magazine that published the article about PDiddy and Kim – “A love like no other?” where she made a fool of herself. It was basically a glorified “baby mamma’s story” – like plenty others.
I don’t get it – it’s just a means of selling beauty products really. It’s not real journalism and that’s why I don’t buy it anymore, I flip through pages at the check out line and put it back and I’m on my way.
Long gone are women in the media like Ruby Dee, and C. Tyson. Dianne Caroll and others like them who’s beauty was just a plus to their charm, talent and intellegence. Ester Roll, and others like herself – natural women with dignity who would not dream of looking for a man at a strip club. It is ridiculous.
K.